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homefire

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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

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Engineers Go To Heaven

An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs. "And where are you going to get a lawyer?

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Missing Wife
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair ?Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and she bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb. But all men, are men!

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2 hours ago, homefire said:

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and she bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb. But all men, are men!

Yup,

 

Women , the most dangerous weapon of all time. :ROFL:

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That old trick didn't fool me..
Was watching the dice, at least most of the time..
She rolled an eleven..
Pretty sure it was a 7 & 4..
Or was 7 the # of piercings..?
Dang... :89: 

Swamp

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LMAO -  this thread totally made me laugh more than a few times.  Nice ones, Homie!

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A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female .....

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  • 5 weeks later...

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

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Like DOG's They Hunt in Packs !

 

What a chicken sh** thing to do.... So you sissies think you're hard core because you started in on me? At my house?! Hahaha! I still handled all of you, left one of you on the ground. So I come out my door and I got attacked.. big deal! You think you got good shots in on my face, but I don't have a mark on my face. I have some red marks on my arms, legs and my neck but that ain't nothing! Bet you weren't expecting me to swing back since it was like eight against one. I hate mosquitoes !!! Mosquitoes are not my friends.

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A blonde and a lawyer were seating next to each other on a flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely says no and turns to the window for a nap.

 

blonde_and_lawyer_800x418

 

The lawyer insists and explains that the game is easy and very fun. He explains, “I’m going to ask you a question, and if you do not know the answer, you’ll pay me $5, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you do not know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I do not know the answer, I pay you $500.

This catches the attention of the blonde and, imagining that there will be no end to this torment unless she makes part of his game, she agrees to play.

The lawyer asks the first question, “How far is the Earth from the Moon?

The blonde did not say a word, opened her purse, took out a $5 bill and handed it to him. Okay,” said the lawyer, “it’s your turn to ask.

She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a mountain with three legs and comes down with four legs?

The lawyer, perplexed, picks up his laptop and searches all his references — no answer. He searches the net and the library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers but, also, no answer. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and reluctantly hands her $500.

 

Thank you,” the blonde says, and goes back to sleep some more.

The lawyer, annoyed, wakes her up and asks, “Well, what is the answer?

Without a word, she takes her purse, hands him $5, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb! Well done! Hahaha!

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  • 3 weeks later...
 

20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

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Hospital Patient

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me chit."

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