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The Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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The Drunk

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

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The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. She could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon.

The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. She felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, she did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, she decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask her ONE question.

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?

Do you think she is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?

Nooooooo!

The mayor asked:

"Do you have a blue Mexican?"

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For Kaimi's Sister....

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. ?He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

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A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He

said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the

offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No crap?'

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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good

health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That

should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes

in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

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Teacher takes kids to farm for a day trip. The next day in class the teacher asks, “Who can tell me the sound that a chicken makes?” Little Tommy perks up and says, “Cluck-cluck!” Very good says the teacher, and asks who remembered what the cows sounded like. Jenny chimed in, ”moo!” “Great!” exclaimed the teacher. Then she asked, “What other sounds to you remember from the farm children? Way in the back Sammy stands up and says, “You fricking kids get off of that tractor!” :inocent: - Terry

Life Without Farms

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids,

“What does a pig say?”...

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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

" Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot. ;-)

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The 2010 Federal Census For Arkansas

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

(_) Booger

(_) Bubba

(_) Junior

(_) Sissy

(_) Cooter

(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Unemployed

(_) Dirty Politician

(_) Preacher

Spouses Name:_________________________

2nd Spouses Name:______________________

3rd Spouses Name:______________________

Lovers Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mothers Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Fathers Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times youve seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years youve seen Elvis:_____

Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_) Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_) road?

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CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

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NATURAL BORN CITIZEN

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election!

They Walk Among US...

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A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.

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Before your next fish fry be sure to check where the fish came from...

Vietnam Fish Farming

You might want to think twice before eating their catfish

http://www.vimeo.com/11817894

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Immediate opening available:Good pay....short

hours...glamour....many admirers (beautiful women)...

Qualifications:High IQ not necessary...speech

issues no problem(at the start)....desperate for attention...and

big kahunas a plus....your replacing this hero!!! (not as bad as

it looks)....

post-300-128059368757_thumb.jpg

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This is for Kaimi's sister....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF28NkiIMzk

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,

but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? :blink:

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Before your next fish fry be sure to check where the fish came from...

Vietnam Fish Farming

You might want to think twice before eating their catfish

http://www.vimeo.com/11817894

LOL! I don't buy any fish from the stores.

What you Catch here in New Mexico is bad enough!

http://www.nmenv.state.nm.us/swqb/advisories/

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RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time, my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn”?

“Yeah,” she said. “They're retired prostitutes. They’re having a yard sale.”

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a

sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son

shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around

them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they

did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with

all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just

eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the

$hit inside!"

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There are 5 times as many deaths due to the negligence of doctors

as there are deaths due to firearms.

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Deep financial talk with Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.....

post-300-128179892483_thumb.jpg

post-300-128179895941_thumb.jpg

post-300-128179898831_thumb.jpg

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I have three ex-wives that think this way....

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached

to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head

off.

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Pictures

Not so good gotta learn how to put pictures on here this one is to large and too many M bites should be under 2 kb

maybe nood some HELPPPPPP!

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