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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowbo

Okay, my turn.  This is an old one. So, a nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a yarmulke and beard. He doesn't have to be an Einst

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Calm yourself down Terry...atta boy...dreath beeply...now pay attention...I love gravey

but don't care for the kind that bites back..... :blink:

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LMAO! :lol: - Terry

Calm yourself down Terry...atta boy...dreath beeply...now pay attention...I love gravey

but don't care for the kind that bites back..... :blink:

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OH My Gawd! I, I don't know what to say! I want to thank my lord and savior, my crew, Deb and Jerry in makeup, I want to thank my personal assistant whatever his name is, and the fresh towel guy because this was a REAL brain squeezer and I sweat like a pig! No really, thank you to all of you. Without you allowing me to just, well, just keep guessing, I never could have achieved this praise from Gar! God Bless you all! Im so happy! :thumbsupanim - Terry


GOOD JOB!! :thumbsupanim

You deserve all the accolades :whoope: , now go and find your teeth before someone chokes on them!!! :pukes:


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English Proficiency Training in LA for New Immigrants

New W o r d s O f T h e D a y

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.

Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car

There's not mushroom.

3.. *Shoulder*

My fren wants 2 become a citizen,

But che didn't know how to read,

So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *

When I'm not home,

My fren always Texas me,

Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza.

I got mine piece

Then che got herpes.

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store

But ju went to see sum guy,

July to me! Julyer!

7... *Rectum*

I had 2 cars

But my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife

But che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left

But don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing..

11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women .

I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*

My wife fell down the stair

So I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club

But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*

That women has a nice body,

Budweiser face so ugly?

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Subject: AGE

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well . . . You'll love this one.

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'What did you teach???'

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This is good!......

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive an ' HST Compensation'' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'HST Compensation' payment ?

A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ...

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go

to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to hockey games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada. )


Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard

sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

That just about covers it.

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Just a couple of days ago San Diego was "back tracking" on their

attempt to boycott Arizona....of course it back fired terrably...

now along comes L.A......when is gutless people going to learn

that when you "mess with the bull, you get the horn"?....


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A wonderful surprise here....


Let me tell you, Jesse hated this job. And you would too, I imagine, if You had to do it. Jesse was a chicken plucker. That's right.

He stood on a line in a chicken factory and spent his days pulling the feathers off dead chickens so the rest of us wouldn't have to. It wasn't much of a job.

But at the time, Jesse didn't think he was much of a person. His father was a brute of a man. His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill And Treated Jesse rough all of his life.

Jesse's older brother wasn't much better. He was always picking on Jesse and beating him up. Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in West Virginia ... Life was anything but easy. And he thought life didn't hold much hope for him. That's why he was standing in this chicken line, doing a job that darn few people wanted.

In addition to all the rough treatment at home, it seems that Jesse was Always sick. Sometimes it was real physical illness, but way too often it was all in His head. He was a small child, skinny and meek. That sure didn't help the situation any.

When he started to school, he was the object of every bully on the Playground.

He was a hypochondriac of the first order. For Jesse, tomorrow was not always something to be looked forward to. But, he had dreams. He wanted to be a ventriloquist. He found books on ventriloquism. He practiced with sock puppets and saved his hard earned dollars until he Could get a real ventriloquist dummy.

When he got old enough, he joined the military. And even though many of his hypochondriac symptoms persisted, the Military did recognize his talents and put him in the entertainment corp. That was when his world changed. He gained confidence. He found that he had a talent for making people laugh, and laugh so hard They often had tears in their eyes. Yes, little Jesse had found himself.

You know, folks, the history books are full of people who overcame a Handicap to go on and make a success of themselves, but

Jesse is one of The few I know of who didn't overcome it. Instead he used his paranoia to make a million dollars, and become one of The best-loved characters of all time in doing it!

Yes, that little paranoid hypochondriac, who transferred his nervousness Into a successful career, still holds the record for the most Emmy's given In a single category.

The wonderful, gifted, talented, and nervous comedian who brought us Barney Fife Was Jesse Don Knotts.

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A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... And they need a laugh, too!

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Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney 's Eastern Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem. A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it.

The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers . . . and then there are educators.

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Read and blew beer out my nose........ dayam funny

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Once there was this boy and every day he brought his teacher some


He kept bringing them and bringing them until one day he didn't

bring any.

The teacher was curious.

"Why didn't you bring me any raisins" asked the teacher.

The boy replied ,"My rabbit died".

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1957 Sandwich Menu from Woolworths....

If any of you have a doubt about what we paid for a coke and a sandwich at Woolworths in the 1950's, here's proof of the era we lived in.


I wondered who to send this to - who would actually remember eating at a Woolworth's.

Isn't it fun just to receive an e-mail that doesn't make you crazy but just brings back good memories?

Can you believe it was in ENGLISH ONLY!

In God We Trust

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Hi Karmi...this is for Sister...

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians !"

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Aloha Garimpo,

Sent this one to my "Sister" and she called me back within minutes of receiving it. This is a keeper she told me! Looks like it may make the circuit during dinner tonite.


Stan aka Ka'imi

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Stan I firmly believe your Sister is a keeper....

Here's more for her...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were all sitting at a table, finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them.

"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"

The catholic priest stood up.

"I wish for the destruction of all protestants!"

Then the protestant minister bolted up.

"I wish for the destruction of all catholics!"

The rabbi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Rabbi?"

The rabbi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of coffee."

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Well now here we go....the Peruvian National Police did in three

days what Aruba couldn't do in five years....van de Sloot confessed

to the murder....wonder just what the Peruvian police said or did

that was different....they don't have Miranda rights...they never

smile...all business 24/7....post-300-127600321162_thumb.jpg

I was in the back seat of one of their bullet proof Pontiac limos

one day in heavy downtown traffic when we got rearended....the guy

that hit us from the rear got out of his car and when he saw who

he had to hit he took off running as fast as he could across six

lanes of traffic.....Sloot doesn't look to happy in the above pic

does he...

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Siamese Twins

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

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Q: How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

A: If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called

a 'teethbrush'.

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A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the

waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and

asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup

of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled

over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot

tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over


The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot

tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He

hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about

gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and

asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On

my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said,

"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back

into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your

kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up

and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips

out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting


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