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                                                                                  TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week.  And finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients? 

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen

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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Fifty years of Dems:

Okay, my turn.  This is an old one. So, a nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a yarmulke and beard. He doesn't have to be an Einst

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1 hour ago, garimpo said:

                                                                                  TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week.  And finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients? 

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen

What isn't mentioned is the cost differences, the dog no more than $2000, the senior citizen $40,000+!!!

And thus proves the old adage....time is money!!!!

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Surgeons
Three California surgeons were playing golf one Saturday morning and they started to brag on their accomplishments ...
 
The first one said " I had a patient that cut off four fingers on a table saw and I reattached them so well he now is playing the guitar in a band!"
 
The second doctor said " I had a patient who was in a bad motorcycle accident and lost his leg and arm. I reattached them and now he's training for the Olympic gymnast team!"
 
The third said " That's pretty good...but I had a patient who was riding her horse down a railroad track and was hit by a high speed train. All they could find was the horse's ass and her hair. I put them together and now she's the Speaker of the House!"
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Ten Best Caddy Replies

# 10 - Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 - Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 - Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 - Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 - Golfer: "You've got the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 - Golfer: "
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 - Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 - Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 - Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This is not the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment .....

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
 

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$10

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well...... you pay $10 and If you pass three tests, You get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.. and so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'


'You must pay first...... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, The man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,  'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had any.... you have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things....'

'Your call,' says the bartender... ..'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the darn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds...then nothing but silence.

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,  'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story:

Listen carefully to the directions, And don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved.

~

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Learning to Cuss (Anyone Who's Raised Boys Can Relate)
 
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$$."
 
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
 
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
 
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
 
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
 
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios!"
 
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Saw this on the internet this morning: "ISIS Leader al-Baghdadi Was Located After Kurdish Spy Stole His Underwear".

#1. I'm not going to shake hands with someone who doesn't use toilet paper.

#2. If I'm going to steal something of his you can bet your last dollar it sure as hell won't be his underwear!

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9 hours ago, garimpo said:

Saw this on the internet this morning: "ISIS Leader al-Baghdadi Was Located After Kurdish Spy Stole His Underwear".

#1. I'm not going to shake hands with someone who doesn't use toilet paper.

#2. If I'm going to steal something of his you can bet your last dollar it sure as hell won't be his underwear!

But Don, if the underwear was the only thing he could steal that had the ISIS Leader's scent on it (as bad as it must of smelled) what else could they use to let that poor Elite Delta Squad K-9 sniff to be able to track that lowlife down???

That dog IMHO is the real hero is this case because he was charging towards that lowlife just before he blew himself and those little kids to bits which resulted in that K-9 suffering some injuries as well, I hope he/she get a Purple Heart for his/her heroic deed!!! 

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The Christmas Party

Dick had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months  or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from  forty miles  up  the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.  Thought you might like to come at about 5:00....'

'Great', says Rick,  'after six months out here  I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he  stops. 'Gotta warn  you. Be some drinking.'

'Not a problem'  says Rick... 'After 25 years  in  the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man  starts to leave and stops.

‘More'n likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with  people, I'll be all right! I'll  be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild xex, too,'

'Now that's really not a  problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for  six  months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter.  Just gonna be the two of us.'
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Life in South Dakota

One winter morning a husband and wife in central South Dakota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."  So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
   
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?"
   
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
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Bible Salesman
 
A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
 
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
 
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
 
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
 
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
 
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'
 
Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'
 
'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
 
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?'
 
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'
 
The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
 
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
 
The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'
 
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could.'
 
'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
 
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
 
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
 
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said WA-WA-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to St-St-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
 
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On Golf
 
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'
 
Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf? '
 
Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'
 
Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right. '
 
Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'
 
Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.
 
Tiger says, 'But - you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see? '
 
Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice. '
 
'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger
 
'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'
 
Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'
 
Stevie says, 'Well, actually - I'm a scratch golfer.'
 
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'
 
Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $ 10,000 a hole. That a problem? '
 
Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $ 10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play? '
 
Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night.'
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TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO AN OBAMACARE PLAN:
 
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
 
 (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
 
 (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
 
 (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
 
 (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
 
 (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
 
 (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
 
 (3) The only expense covered 100% is…. "Embalming."
 
 (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
 
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE OBAMACARE PLAN:
 
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape
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1 hour ago, garimpo said:
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO AN OBAMACARE PLAN:
 
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
 
 (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
 
 (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
 
 (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
 
 (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
 
 (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
 
 (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
 
 (3) The only expense covered 100% is…. "Embalming."
 
 (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
 
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE OBAMACARE PLAN:
 
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

At least it's much better then the brazilian healthcare plan

https://www.businessinsider.com/brazil-surpass-us-coronavirus-cases-deaths-end-july-2020-6

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The state I'm in has gotten pretty strict on laws the Governor has laid down. Health police are every where checking the food 

industry. Just last week the Fed. police and the Civilian police have started stopping cars if the occupants don't have their 

mask on and issuing fines. The same goes for anybody walking on the streets without their mask on. I eat lunch every day at the 

same restaurant and I get there before anyone else, eat and leave but today I bought the food home and ate here. I don't leave

town there's a chance I might not be let back in. I do carry a electric bill with my name and address on it to prove I live here. 

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Skinny Dippin '
 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years ... 

He had a large pond in the back. 

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. 

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' 

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' 

Some old men can still think fast. 
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