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24 Hours To Live
 
Dave returned from a Doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the Doctor told him he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. 
 
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die?' 
 
She sleepily agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell fast asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. 
 
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up and whispered: 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?' 
 
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!'  :nutty:
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Apparently,  'Old Dave was up already.  Now we know what killed him! :inocent:

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DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING 
 
Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 
 
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." 
 
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.
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City Of Chicago Math Test-cleaned up, have to read between the lines. 
 
Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! It's about time!
 
NAME: _________________________________   AGE: __________
 
GANG/CREW NAME: _______________________ CRIB: _________________
 
 
1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 2030-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon hit before he reloads?
 
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his $tuff?
 
3. Dwayne hires 3 girl's. If the price is $85 per hour, how many hours per day must each girl turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
 
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?
 
5. Desmond get $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have 9000 bills?
 
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
 
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
 
8. Tyrone locked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of girls Tyrone locked up?
 
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and the cost be $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?
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First Blond Guy Joke 
 
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! 
 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were  doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. 
 
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' 
 
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' 
 
The blond e opened his lunch and s aid, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' 
 
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 
 
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. 
 
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. 
 
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' 
 
The Mexican's! wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' 
 
(Oh this is GOOD!!)? 
 
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'
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Bad Eyesight
 
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. 
 
One day he arrives home looking downcast. 
 
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." 
 
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." 
 
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." 
 
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." 
 
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with  his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. 
 
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" 
 
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." 
 
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur. 
 
"I don't remember." 
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Subject: The Dreaded Phone Call

My boss phoned me today.    

He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

 
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After my prostate exam the doctor left and the nurse came in.....

as she shut the door whe whispered three words no man wants to hear....

                          " WHO WAS THAT?"

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On Marriage
 
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
 
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65- YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS ..'
 
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
 
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
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            A Brazil Restaurant Visit....
 
Last week, I took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Igor's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon  in his shirt pocket.
   
It seemed a little strange.
   
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
 
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
   
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why  the spoon?''
   
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
   
After several months of  analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
   
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
   
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
    
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead  of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
   
I was impressed.
 
After paying I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
   
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
   
So, before he walked off, I asked the  waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that  string right there?'
 
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in  the restroom.
   
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
   
I asked quietly,  'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
   
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
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