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Friday Night At The Pub ...
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making
biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. 
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the burly biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.'

'I can't stand to see a man crying.' 
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 
'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, -- and then you show up and drink the darn poison.' 
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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowbo

Okay, my turn.  This is an old one. So, a nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a yarmulke and beard. He doesn't have to be an Einst

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More on Marriage ...
An attorney arrived home late, after an extremely stressful day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last plea to the governor had failed, and he was worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door, his wife started in on him about, "What time of night is this to be getting home?" "Where have  you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it"; and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a double shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by additional sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told  that the governor had changed his mind. Her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution and would not be hanged that night.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of the rear of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. In response he whirled around and screamed, "GOOD LORD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP?!"
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1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (also used for rope and marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter I is called a "tittle."
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. (Hence, multitasking was invented.)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, Purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19, you also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know).
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail."
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 A wonderful uplifting story from an 'old guy' in The Villages
   A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
 The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
 At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' the jeweler said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."
   The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'
 The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
 On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir .There's no money in that account!'
 '''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
   Not All Seniors Are Senile...
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Once upon a time a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and
raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and
never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and
blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was really cool, and he had
tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.
The End.
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Life in Southern California
A senior citizen was driving home on the freeway when his cellphone rang.
 Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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Sad Story

A very sad day! After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He is a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.
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Hot date in Oklahoma

A young Oklahoma man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: 'I got a hot date tonight, an'
I nede me some pertection. How much is a pack a'  them condoms gonna cost me?'
The pharmacist responds: 'A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.'
'TACKS!' the shocked redneck says. 'Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?'
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On 2/3/2018 at 4:36 PM, garimpo said:


Sad Story

A very sad day! After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He is a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.

Sometimes "horsing" around isn't what it means.

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The Nail ...
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK? So then the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
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The Husband Store ...
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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                      You Gotta Love The Irish


The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,

each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,

the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer,

who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,

"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman,

"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air

and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

Again, he fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright,

but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep

as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning

to his wife standing over him, shouting,

Putting on an innocent look,

and intent on bluffing it out he said,

"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called;

you left your wheelchair there again."
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Black Bras size 38
This is tooooo funny not to share.
The Business Deal

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras
are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs. 

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. 

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy;
"Please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each." 
... and this is why the Chinese own us!
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One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex"!
(You gotta love this)
The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog." 
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On Aging ...
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man."You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand  there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old.  "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
 Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being  80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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The sharing of marriage...

The  old man  placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --



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Okay, my turn.  This is an old one.

So, a nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a yarmulke and beard. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jew is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you."

This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this doesn't seem to worry the Jewish guy, who continues to smile and again says, "Thank you."

So the guy says to the bartender, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

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