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Beer and the Wheel 
 
The two most  important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
 
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
 
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
 
1.   Liberals.
2.   Conservatives.
 
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
 
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
 
Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
 

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

 

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

 

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

 

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

 

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

 

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

 

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

 

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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I'm only sending this to the brightest of my SENIOR friends.
 
 
 
New Senior Academy Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.  Ready-GO! 
 
 
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 
2) Which country makes Panama hats? 
 
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 
 
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 
 
7) What was King George VI's first name? 
 
8) What colour is a purple finch? 
 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 
 
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. 
 
Check your answers below .... 

 

 

 

 

 

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 

8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?  Orange (of course) 

 

 

 

What do you mean, you failed? 


Me, too! 

 

(And if you try to tell me you passed...you is a lying,  "Intellectual")

Pass this on to your actual, brilliant friends.

 

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The  Affair
 
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
 
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
 
The joyful father rushed to the  nursery to see his new son.
 
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
 
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.  Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
 
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not  this time!"
 
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                                                      The Last Affair
 
Jake was dying. His  wife sat at the bedside.
 
He looked up and said weakly:
 
"I have something  I must confess."
 
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
 
"No," he  insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best  friend,
 her best friend, and your mother!"
 
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison  work."
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Getting Old Should Require Training …

  

I bought a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: "Remove cap and push upbottom."

It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells great! 

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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

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5 hours ago, garimpo said:

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

This is why I never fly Commercial.  Only Private or Charter.   And NO TSA involvement.   LOL

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9 hours ago, homefire said:

This is why I never fly Commercial.  Only Private or Charter.   And NO TSA involvement.   LOL

Homie so you want to be able have two dead raccoons with you when you fly???

 I think one would be enough and more than I could eat on the flight

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Use the other for Barter for taco's and a cold drink.

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Bad, Good, and Great News
 
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.  We're sorry, Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."
 
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked. 
 
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!
 
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
 
"Lord, sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"
 
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters
that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't  seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel
you are entitled to a share of the catch."
 
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what’s the great news?”
 
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
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Let's Just See How Observant You Really Are ...
 
   1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
 
   2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
 
   3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
 
   4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
 
   5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
 
   6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
 
   (Don't you dare get up to see!)
 
   7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
 
   8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
 
   9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
 
   10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
 
   11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
 
   12. How many channels on a VHF TV ! dial?
 
   13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
 
   14. Which way do fans rotate?
 
   15. How many sides does a stop sign have?
 
   16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
 
   17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
 
   18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
 
   19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
 
   20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
 
   21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
 
   22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening
   between the slats?
 
   23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
 
   24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
 
   25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
 
ANSWERS
 
 
   1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
   BOTTOM
 
   2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
 
   50
 
   3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
 
   RIGHT
 
   4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
 
   BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD
 
   5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
 
   1, 0
 
   6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
 
   RIGHT
 
   7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
 
   20
 
   8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
 
   RED
 
   9. What is the low! est number on the FM dial?
 
   88
 
   10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
  
   CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)
 
   11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
 
   TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT
 
   12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
 
   12 (no #1)
 
   13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
 
   LEFT
 
   14. Which way do fans rotate?
 
   CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT
 
   15. How many sides does a stop sign have?
 
    8
 
   16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
 
    LEFT
 
   17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
 
     5
 
   18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
 
     6
 
   19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
 
    BASHFUL
 
   20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
 
    8
 
   21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
 
    ACE OF SPADES
 
   22. On which side ! of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
 
   LEFT
 
    23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
 
   *, #
 
   24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
 
    3
 
   25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
 
   COUNTER
 
 
 
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missed 7-11 but 14 is wrong as my ceiling fan has a reversal switch for winter/summer. #22 My blinds as I look at them now have both open/ raise on same side. TOUGH questions-John

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Do you think I can still be a Productive member of society not knowing this stuff ?  Sniff, Sniff.

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In my current condition I'm about as productive as a popcorn fart :Just_Cuz_06: John

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OMG x girlfriend about tore me up-THANKS MUCH-John

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The Church Phone
 
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.
 
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute".
 
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
 
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.
 
Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!
 
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call Why is that?
(I just love this part!)

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call!"
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Sure glad this month should be nearing the end of our monsoon season. These

boards sure can get slick.

 

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Amazing tenacity with a pinch of insanity coupled to gold fever and that video looks like a bit of it all-NOT ME-John

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Guess there not so big on Maintenance ?

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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America
 
You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
 
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: “Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets.” The headline referred to it as a “massive weapons cache”.
 
By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable”. Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
 
In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector”.
 
In Texas , he’d be called “a novice gun collector”.
 
In Utah , he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
 
In Montana , he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy”.
 
In Idaho , he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.
 
In Wyoming , he’d be called “an eligible bachelor”.
 
In Wisconsin , he’d be called “a deer hunting buddy”.
 
And, in Alabama , we just call him “Bubba”.
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