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                                   Why Putin Envies Trump

 

 

 

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Eat your heart out Vladi boy!  ... You have been out Trumped!

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HOLY COWS :th:

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Practical Advice
 
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  
 
He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan 'you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."  
 
"But, I really do not like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"  
 
"You lissina me, boy! Someday you're going to runna the business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, the big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. You wife inna bed with another man.  
 
What are you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "
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                                    HILLBILLY POETRY

2016%20Pickup.jpg

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REDNECK ENGINEERS
 
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
 
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
 
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.'
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Now I got coffee on my monitor....thanks....cute

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The Attorney and the Brothel
 
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
 
"Can I help you?" she asked.
 
"I want to see Yvette," the man replied.
 
"Sir, Yvette is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
 
"No, I must see Yvette" was the man's reply. Just then, Yvette appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred-dollar bills and gave them to Yvette and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Yvette.
 
Yvette explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-- too expensive-- and there were no discounts.  The price was still $1,000.
 
Again the man pulled out the money gave it to Yvette and they went upstairs.  After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Yvette and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Yvette questioned the man. "No one has ever hired me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
 
The man replied, "Michigan."
 
"Really?" she said. "I have family in Michigan."
 
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
 
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
 
The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain ...
 
1. Death 
2. Taxes 
3. And being screwed by a lawyer
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RAISING BOYS

 

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

 

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

 

  1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

  2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

  3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

  4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if

tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

  5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit

a baseball a long way. 

  6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

  7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late

  8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

  9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

  10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy! .

  11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

  12.) Super glue is forever.

  13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

  14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

  15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

  16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

  17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

  18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

  19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

  20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

  21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

  22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

  23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

  24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

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My first thought immediately after reading number 8 was.....hmmmm I wonder if mixing clorox and brake fluid would indeed make a smoke bomb??:89:...No No No Skip :nono:

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I raised 4 kids so must agree with at least 90% of above. John

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Say I's a Yankee but Dat not True.  Brought up world wide as a USAF Brat.  Guess it couldn't figure that one out.  Besides I wanted to use more then one of the options most the time.  Said   Most my responses were from the Great Lake Regions.  My dad came from that area but I never spent any amount of time there.   They should have had a AMERICAN as one of the Conclusions. 

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:th: OMG Yankee???? Always thought of myself as redneck but just goes to prove speech proves naught as ACTIONS count above all else-. John

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says i am more dixie than mason. i would tend to agree with that.

 

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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist 
 
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." 
 
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." 
 
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go 
 
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. 
 
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good. 
 
Another investigation turned out in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
 
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way. 
 
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. 
 
Nuts and Butts? Uh huh. 
 
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. 
 
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it. 
 
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." 
 
And they loved it. 
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IQ Test
 
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day ...... 
 
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.  By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. 
 
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?  Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses" 
 
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a night.
 
I've got mine shutting down right now.
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. 
 
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 
    
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" 
      
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. 
 
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. 
        
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 
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                                             DANCING

 

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On Marriage
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.  I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
 
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.  What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.  Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
 
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.  Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
 
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well dear, what was it like being six again?
 
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!!
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
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 I NAILED IT!

HERE IS A MATH QUIZ I THINK YOU WILL ENJOY


Did it three times, and it came out correctly each time!!!!

This math exercise will only take you about ten seconds.  Amazingly, it really works and will reveal your all-time favorite movie.
I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie.
DO NOT cheat.  DO YOUR math,
THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom.
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is.

1.  Pick a number from 1-9.
2.  Multiply that number by 3
3.  Add 3
4.  Multiply by 3 again
5.  Your total will be a two-digit number. 

 

Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:

 

Movie List:
1.Gone with the Wind
2. E.T
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

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7 minutes ago, garimpo said:

 I NAILED IT!

 

 

HERE IS A MATH QUIZ I THINK YOU WILL ENJOY

 

 


Did it three times, and it came out correctly each time!!!!

This math exercise will only take you about ten seconds.  Amazingly, it really works and will reveal your all-time favorite movie.
I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie.
DO NOT cheat.  DO YOUR math,
THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom.
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is.

 

 

1.  Pick a number from 1-9.
2.  Multiply that number by 3
3.  Add 3
4.  Multiply by 3 again
5.  Your total will be a two-digit number. 

 

 

 

 

 

Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:

 

 

 

 

 

Movie List:
1.Gone with the Wind
2. E.T
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

That's amazing, it hit the nail on the head!!!

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Scottish Humor Returns ...
 
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got shagged twice"
 
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