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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Fifty years of Dems:

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental.. He tells her to slip it into his mashed p

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Go Navy
 
The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters on submarines...
 
Addressing boat sailors at Groton, SUBLANT advised, 
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
 
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
 
At this point, a Master Chief stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass???"
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Russian athletes are being allowed to compete in the Rio Olympics ... 
 
What can possibly go wrong? ...

Russian Olympic pole-vaulter Svetlana Gevenskaia says she doesn't know what all the fuss is about ...
 

Russian Athlete.jpg

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Knock it of about us old guys already.  They were just playing dominos....................

   Old Tom

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Writing Assignment ....
 
A College class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things:
 
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery.
 
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story:
 
"Good Lord, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."
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Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
 
1.  Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
 
2.  Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
 
3.  A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
 
4.  People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
 
5.  When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
 
6.  Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
 
7.  Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
 
8.  Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
 
9.  The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
 
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
 
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
 
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
 
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
 
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
 
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
 
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
 
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
 
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
 
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
 
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
 
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
 
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
 
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
 
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.  They are used in vein transplant surgery.
 
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.. They were 7th cousins.
 
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
 
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16
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Honesty
 
Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!
 
 content_id
 
My Favorite Animal
 
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
 
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 
 
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
 
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 
 
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
 
She sent me back to the principal's office.
 
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
 
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. 
 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
 
Guess where I am now…
 
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Magic Trick
 
Donald and Hillary go into a bakery while on the campaign trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. 
 
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie." I will definitely win the election. 
 
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." 
 
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." 
 
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. 
 
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. 
 
The owner gives him another one. 
 
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. 
 
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" 
 
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket."
 
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Traveling Salesman
 
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
 
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
 
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,25 Cents.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money,inserted his hands into the slot, pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.
 
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,and with some anticipation, stuck his dinger into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
 
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his dinger...now with a button sewed on the end of it...
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SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2016!!
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 
 
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 
 
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
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A man got a text from his neighbor: I'm sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. 

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when your not around. In fact more than you. 

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. 

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise it won't happen again. 

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. 

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived- dang auto correct, I meant " wifi", not "wife". 

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6 hours ago, garimpo said:

A man got a text from his neighbor: I'm sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. 

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when your not around. In fact more than you. 

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. 

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise it won't happen again. 

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. 

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived- dang auto correct, I meant " wifi", not "wife". 

OOOOPS!!!:tisk-tisk::4chsmu1:

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                                                         How times have changed

                               Back in my day a selfie was what you did when the wife wouldn't put out. 

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6 hours ago, garimpo said:

                                                         How times have changed

                               Back in my day a selfie was what you did when the wife wouldn't put out. 

Yo -- If it wasn't for wayyy back in our day & Dr Mom we still wouldn't know what causes warts.. :yikes: :WOW::th:

Swamp

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