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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental.. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.. So that night she does just that..

 About a week later she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great..! I put it in the potatoes like you said..! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table..!"

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong..! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.."

"Nah," she says, "that's okay.. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.."

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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Fifty years of Dems:

Okay, my turn.  This is an old one. So, a nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a yarmulke and beard. He doesn't have to be an Einst

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                                     The Outhouse & The Cherry Tree

 

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer,
freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push
that old outhouse straight into the creek.
 
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
He found a large pole and started pushing.
 
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
 
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
 
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it son?"
 
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
 
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."
 
 
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LOST CHURCHES of NEW YORK and NEW JERSEY
 
When devastating hurricanes struck the east coast, even houses of worship were not spared.  A local television station interviewed a woman from New York's Harlem area and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.
 
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all them other peoples, but we ain't been to Churches' in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's.
 
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless. Now, do you understand how we got Obama as president, not once but twice?
 
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  I have no doubt of the ignorance of some individuals- passing along rumor as fact shouldn't be necessary.

http://www.snopes.com/racial/humor/churches.asp

 

" Black comedian George Wallace has also presented the same bit of humor as a "Yo Momma" joke: 

"Yo' mama is so stupid, when they told her they were burning churches, she said, 'That's alright, I eat at Popeyes.'"

 

:4chsmu1: YOu're getting good at this, Garimpo.

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                                           The Arrogance of Authority 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch inTexas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government and President Obama with me!"
 
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
  No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  
 
The officer was clearly terrified.
 
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....                

 

"Your badge, show him your BADGE..!!"
 
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in and asks: “Mom, where do babies come from..?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex..”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina.. That’s how you get a baby, honey..”

The child seems to comprehend.. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.. What do you get when you do that..?”

Mom stops cooking, picks up her daughter, looks her in the eyes, smiles and says: “Jewelry, sweetheart.. You get jewelry..”

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                                            THE LITTLE HOUSE BEHIND THE HOUSE

 

One of my bygone recollections,
As I recall the days of yore.
Is the little house, behind the house,
With the crescent over the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder
With your head bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there,
If you didn't have to go.
 
Ours was a three-holer,
With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better,
After your usual job was done.
 
You had to make these frequent trips,
Whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog,
To the little house where you usually
Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog.
 
Oft times in dead of winter,
The seat was covered with snow.
'Twas then with much reluctance,
To the little house you'd go.
 
With a swish you'd clear the seat,
Bend low, with dreadful fear.
You'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear.
 
I recall the day Granddad,
Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip to the shanty
Which proved to be a hummer.
 
'Twas the same day my Dad
Finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he's made
With rags and gasoline.
 
He tossed the rags in the shanty hole
And went on his usual way,
Not knowing that by doing so,
He would eventually rue the day.
 
Now Granddad had an urgent call,
I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house
Lingers in my memory yet.
 
He sat down on the shanty seat,
With both feet on the floor.
Then filled his pipe with tobacco
And struck a match on the outhouse door.
After the Tobacco began to glow,
He slowly raised his rear:
Tossed flaming match in the open hole,
With not a sign of fear.
 
The Blast that followed, I am sure,
Was heard for miles around;
And left poor grandpa
Just sitting on the ground.
 
The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth, His suspenders he held tight;
The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.
 
When we asked him what had happened,
His answer I'll never forget.
He thought it must be something
That he had recently et!
Next day we had a new one,
Which my Dad built with ease.
With a sign on the entrance door
Which read: No Smoking, Please!
Now that's the end of the story,
With memories of long ago,
Of the little house behind the house
Where we went when we had to go!
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Sally came home from middle school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground..!"

 Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut.."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it..?"

Sally replied, "No, salty.." 

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Description of Commonly Used Tools
 
So True! 
 
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
    
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on  the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course,the more dismal your future becomes
 
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
 
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoe, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
 
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
 
TWO TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
 
PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 
PRY BAR:
A  tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
 
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
 
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:
(My personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
I hope you found this informative........sure beats talking about the upcoming election :-)
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Your outhouse poem reminds me of a trailer incident in Douglas City along the Trinity River. For sale 5 acres with small older mobile-bulldoze and replace was my idea. Went to see and nothing but scorched earth as trailer land burned to a crisp/bulldozed. Crankster renters dumped meth making by products down the toilet many MANY times. Seems a guy went in to do it, lit a match and the whole place went up like a torch. Never pumped the holding tank, overflowed and viola a bomb. Good end to a meth crankster gangster-John

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Bob was in trouble.. He forgot his wedding anniversary.. His wife was really angry..

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE..!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale..

Bob's been missing since Thursday..

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A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.  After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said,  "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health.  I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
    
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
    
"Well, you have no nipples."
    
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
    
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind."
 
She said, "OK."
 
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
 
She answered, "approximately 500."
      
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
       
Running Doe replied, "We're called ....."
 
 
 
 
  
 
(I hate to do this to you)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"
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No Senior Discount??
 
 An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. 
   
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
     
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?" 
replied the grinning salesman.
     
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
 
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, grandpa.”
 
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One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car..
He stepped on the gas, but at 50 miles per hour the chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house..

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane.. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen..

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken..

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman.. "How do they taste..?"

"I don't know," said the farmer.. "We've never caught one.."

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There's justification for a polish joke( or two) here

 

 Nothing but organized crime shenanigans in another part of the world- international sanctions are accidentally on purpose no indicator of government intelligence, nor an accurate estimate or authentic reproduction of the limits to which awful people will go to to further feather their nest....

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                                                                                            EARTHQUAKE  

 

The big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the Governments do not know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
 
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
 
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
 
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million Muslims replacement.

God Bless President Trump.
 
 
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A husband and wife are in bed watching TV.. The wife's cool with watching anything her husband wants, but all he keeps doing is flipping back-n-forth between the porn channel and the fishing channel..

The wife finally gets pizzed off, snatches the remote away, locks onto the porn channel, then turns to her hubby n sez: "Leave it here.. You already know how to fish.."

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