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I got all stressed out when your forum didn't come back earlier. Lost a few days content but all back now. WOW I realized your subforum was my favorite to set the right attitude(mood) for the day as some crazy, some far left/right/ but always a post to make me smile ,laugh or multiple hilarious posts that made me  run for the can man ....thanx-John

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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Fifty years of Dems:

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental.. He tells her to slip it into his mashed p

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Finally made it back too......

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Home Schooling In My Youth
 
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
 
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
 
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
 
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
 
" Because I said so, that's why ."
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
 
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
 
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 
7. My father taught me IRONY.
 
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
 
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
 
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
 
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
 
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
 
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
 
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
 
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
 
"Stop acting like your father!"
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
 
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
 
"Just wait until we get home."
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
 
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
 
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
 
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
 
19. My mother taught me ESP.
 
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
 
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
 
"You're just like your father."
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
 
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
 
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand. 
 
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
 
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
 
This should only be sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words
by our parents...
 
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We sure lived in a different world growing up. A MUCH safer place for sure and we could mine, rock hound and camp just about everywhere. NOW SUCKS....John

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. 

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband at least several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" 

"I'm sorry, honey," she replied. "He says you're going to die."

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On 3/14/2016 at 6:10 AM, Hoser John said:

We sure lived in a different world growing up. A MUCH safer place for sure and we could mine, rock hound and camp just about everywhere. NOW SUCKS....John

and the saddest thing about it is .........it keeps getting worse everyday.

Soon, only the very rich or those with a lot of "suck" will be able to enjoy the outdoors.

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PUT THE COFFEE TO THE SIDE

On The Irish ....
 
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money, between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said, "Hang on, I've an idea."
 
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said,"Are ye crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
 
Murphy replied, "Don't worry. Trust me."
 
They went into the pub where Murphy immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said, " Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we'll be in? We haven't got any money!!"
 
Murphy replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman soon noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
 
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk (as Irishmen are wont to do).....all for free.
 
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
 
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
 
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A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realize this is only a formality,
but would you mind me marrying your daughter?" 

"Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily. 

"Her obstetrician," replied the young man.

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Airplanes Vs Women .... 
 
Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time. 
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch. 
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.' 
Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection. 
Airplanes operate inverted. 
 
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation. 
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits. 
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month. 
Airplanes don't come with in-laws. 
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you 
have flown before. 
 
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. 
Airplanes don't complain if you hose them down. 
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes. 
Airplanes can get high without throwing up. 
Airplanes expect to be tied down. 
 
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills. 
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. 
 
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like a woman, it's a bad thing. 
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I just sent this birthday card to my daughter(44) bought from Walmart of all places...

How is a margarita better than a man?   A margarita always hits "THE" spot.........

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While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The woman accidentally left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were a long way down the highway. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "Well, while you're in there, I guess you might as well get my hat, too."

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The Bronze Rat
 
A Tourist walked  into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at  the exotic
merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze  statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was
so incredibly striking  the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner  and asked,
"How much for the bronze rat ?" 
 
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely!  
 
It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
 
The tourist quickly  pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
 
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few  real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
 
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
 
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay .
 
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now  numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him  faster and faster.
 
Terrified, he ran  to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could  into the Bay.
 
Amazingly, the  millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were  all drowned.
 
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
 
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"
 
"No sir," said the  man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.
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Back At The Pearly Gates ....
 
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.
 
First woman: "I froze to death."
 
Second woman: "You froze to death -- how horrible!"
 
First woman: "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
 
Second woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."
 
First woman: "So what happened?"
 
Second woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there some where, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
 
First woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.....
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A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. 
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. 

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. 

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. 

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

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                                    THIS IS WORTH YOUR TWO MINUTES
Whether you are for him or not, this is a fabulous ad!!!   
 
Till now Trump hasn't really spent any money on ads - he's promoted himself and his message for free at the expense of those who do NOT want him elected - THE MEDIA.
 
BUT when he creates an ad ..WOW!
 
(He really rattles their cages) "THE DONALD"
 
LOVE HIM, DOUBT HIM or HATE HIM - He is indeed shaking it up to the very core of our political system - which is a GOOD thing.
 
It's hard to believe that even Trump would have the 'cojones' to put this on the air.
 
Here is a rousing military medley that tells it how it is ... the lyrics are clever and funny ...
 
Obama is suitably recognized.  It's a 2 minute video, watch: 
 
 
 
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Stationed on a remote Pacific island, a Marine writes to his wife that he needs something to while away the hours so he won't be preoccupied with all the beautiful native women..
His wife sends him a harmonica and suggests he learn to play..
A year later he finally returns home and says, "Baby, I'm so love-starved..! Let's go to bed right now..!"
"Sure," she says.. "But first, play me something on the harmonica.."

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NEW WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
 
Andy was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to  very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do  it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a Guaranteed Weight Loss  Program.
 
"Guaranteed. Yeah Right!" he thought to himself. But  desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss  program.
 
The next day there's a knock at his door and when he  answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young  lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight  loss company, and the sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
 
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A  few miles later, huffing and puffing he finally catches her and has his way  with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I  like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the  next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs  himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.
 
He calls the company and orders their 5- day/20 pound  program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most  stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing  nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If  you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.
 
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a  while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on  the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as  promised.  He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order  the 7-day/50 pound program.
 
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the  phone."This is our most rigorous program."
 
'Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in  years". The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes  and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine." :WOW:
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Client: "This is the first time I've ever needed a lawyer. How much would you charge me if all I had were three questions..?"

Lawyer: "A hundred bucks.." 

Client: "A HUNDRED DOLLARS..! Is that ETHICAL..?" 

Lawyer: "Of course it is. Now what's your third question..?"

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Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain. 

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms,

a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly

and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your boobs, then?" 

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE 

 

 

 

 

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