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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Fifty years of Dems:

Okay, my turn.  This is an old one. So, a nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a yarmulke and beard. He doesn't have to be an Einst

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Nookie Green

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sxx with
Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sxx with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say three Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes..'

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Alligator Diet ....

Two Louisiana alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. . . I just don't get it."

"Well, "said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy? "

"Democrats, same as you, "replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do ya catch 'em? "

"Down at t'other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by Boudreaux's."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em? "

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and waits fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jumps out, grabs 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eats 'em!"

"Ah!," says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a Democrat, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

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Geez Don, are ya lookin' to get sued for lander..? Or is that sibel..? Always get the two confused..


Point being, this is 2016.. One can no longer go around calling someone a Democrat, or a Republican, or a Socialist, or a Commie Pinko card-carrying Marxist knuckle-dragging snkae-in-the-grass destroyer of our children's minds and moral compass' etc. and so forth interloper, regardless how true it is.. Ya gotta CYA by being societly correct.. The terminology you're looking for

is: Unspecified Political-idealism--affiliated Individual..


See how much better that sounds..? Just rolls off your tongue like a hacked up a lung.. :yikes::WOW::th:


Swamp

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How To Distinguish Different Drivers As You Travel

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.

One hand on double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.
(and probably visiting in Vermont!)

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How about Arizona drivers: Both feet on accelerator, .357 in consol, 9 MM between consol and driver seat, 38 Special in glove box, Ruger .380 in hip pocket, bottle of tequila on rear seat floor, pleasant snarl on face ... You don't see much road rage in the big AZ!

Edited by Uncle Ron
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The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama’ hat, and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Trump' shirts came racing up to the struggle. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy? "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

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GREAT SERVICE!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his

manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent." The man slowly pulls

off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.

That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

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"Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

Har Har Har..! :D

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin

and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ...they're choking my ducks!"

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The difference between Officers and NCOs

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The Generalalso threw him out.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'
'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

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:ROFL: OMG 3 for 3 I gotta go pee....thanx-John :old:

HAR..! That's funnier than the joke..! :4chsmu1:

A bit troubling I know exactly what you mean though.. :89:

Swamp

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Hmmmm -- Don must be out prospecting or something, cos he appears to have fallen down on the job.. This job, that is -- posting humurous stuff to keep our aching sides from healing.. Well, regardless if that's the case or not, I thought I'd share something out of one of the boxes of NOS electronic equipment I picked up at a yard sale not too long ago.. Just curious to see if anyone else ever got something like this:

Product Warning

READ THIS FIRST

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give
you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly
will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why
we ask you to PLEASE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK
THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND
PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR
CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS
FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these
instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with
dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from
the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into
outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR
IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really
wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and
her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the
whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in
Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without
irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If
you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one
single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner
exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:
Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and
two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say, "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest
thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous
electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the
Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the
Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose
Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO
NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but
out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT,
AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS.
SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN
TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence!
However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very
maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between
now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover
the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

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THINKING.jpg

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?' At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nutz? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nutz, but how could they "know"? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nutz is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nutz."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

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The real test is to ask any woman who has a kid if she has ever passed a big ol'kidney stone and which hurts worse. Never met a woman who said they wanted another one a them ungodly horrific painful bloody &^%$#@ things. John

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