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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.  He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.  Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,0

NO SEX AFTER SURGERY A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford  Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all inte

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Good Excuse


A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.


Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."


"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge."


"She was barefooted so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style."


"She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you."


"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now."


"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?' "
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I just had some pastured young pig ham steak ( 120pounds at slaughter 24 hours ago) :thumbsupanim:thumbsupanim:thumbsupanim:thumbsupanim:4chsmu1::4chsmu1::4chsmu1::4chsmu1::yesss::yesss::yesss: that I swear tastes like great beef. Pork tastes like beef, I tell ya!

Never have I tasted such as this in my recent life :old: . No cure, no seasoning ,'cept salt, nommm, nommmm, nommmm :arrowheadsmiley::arrowheadsmiley::arrowheadsmiley: I am in love

Edited by weaver hillbille
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2015 Darwin Awards

The 2015 Darwin Awards are out. This annual honor is given to the person/s who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves, in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
This year's winner was a real rocket scientist - HONEST! Read on..and remember that every one of these is TRUE. The nominees were:
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian guy, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to 'moon' the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old male resident of Reston, Virginia was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from multiple rattlesnake bites. It seems he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Award candidate - was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of gas leaking in the building. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched to deal with the incident. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described seeing one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to 3 miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
CONT:
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Drum Roll Please ....and now, The Winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):
An Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Policy investigators finally pieced together the mystery.
An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a J A T O (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit, which is actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He then attached the J A T O unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the J A T O!
The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the J A T O ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The J A T O, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 pilots under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the journey.
The Chevy automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
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:brows: Yes, you could make up this story but someone beat you to the punch-back in 1995...... :Just_Cuz_06:

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1995-04.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JATO_Rocket_Car

Drum Roll Please ....and now, The Winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):
An Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve..........
You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
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  • 3 weeks later...

yup, very intense negotiations about Iran going on there........

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RUSSIAN SPECIAL FORCES: HAS ISIS MET ITS FEAR MERCHANT MATCH?

by JAMES ZUMWALT

ISIS is a fear merchant. It depends heavily upon using fear to intimidate those opposed to it.
In its high-publicized videos, legions of soulless bodies fill its ranks, regularly demonstrating limitless savagery in executing their enemies. Beheadings, burning prisoners alive, attaching bombs to babies to show new recruits how explosives rip a human body apart, running tanks over prisoners, etc.—no means of execution is beyond the pale as they market fear.

But fear can be a double-edged sword. A force capable of demonstrating this has just entered the fray in Syria. Having used fear previously very effectively against Muslim extremists, this force looks to do so again—only this time its blade will come down on ISIS.
Russian President Vladimir Putin recently dispatched a military group in which he has great pride and confidence—his special forces—to Syria. The group has been honed into a uniquely skilled counter-terrorism killing machine, known in Russia for getting the job done.

Russia's special forces originated out of a terrorist act perpetrated more than four decades ago by another violent Muslim group.

In Munich, Germany, Palestinian terrorists of Black September kidnapped and killed eleven Israeli athletes and a German police officer during the 1972 Summer Olympics. The attack prompted the head of the KGB (the Soviet secret police), Yuri Andropov, to order the creation of a special military force trained in counter-terrorism.

With its establishment two years later, the force initially was used for domestic security. But once deployed outside the homeland, it quickly established a bloody reputation for itself.

Comparable to our own elite fighters of Delta Force, Russian special forces have an operational edge ours do not. While battlefield actions by U.S. forces will, appropriately, always be defined by the laws of land warfare, Russian special forces historically have tossed their moral compass aside. By doing so, they convey a clear message—in blood—to adversaries.

After Moscow invaded Afghanistan in December 1979, Russian special forces were tasked to implement "regime change." Wearing Afghan uniforms, they quickly secured strategic government buildings in Kabul. Storming the presidential palace, they followed through on orders to kill every Afghan in the building. Not only was Afghan President Hafizullah Amin killed along with his mistress and young son, but so too were all witnesses.

Russian special forces played a significant role in Afghanistan throughout the ten year war. But their reputation for taking whatever action necessary to complete its mission was cemented in Lebanon.
In October 1985, a radical Muslim Brotherhood splinter group kidnapped four Soviet diplomats in Beirut. By the time Russian special forces reached the city, one of the diplomats had already been executed.
As Moscow's policy was never to negotiate with terrorists, no effort was made to do so. Using a network of informants, the Russians identified the militant group responsible and the kidnappers involved.
With the kidnappers' names in hand, the Russians immediately rounded up their family members, taking them hostage. They then cut off hostages' body parts, delivering them to the militants along with the threat to continue making deliveries.
The militants got the message. The surviving Russian diplomats were immediately released. For two decades thereafter, Russian diplomats operated safely abroad without fear of becoming targets of Muslim terrorists.
But in 2006, Putin had to call upon his special forces again after four Russian officials in Iraq were abducted and murdered. He gave the order those responsible were to be "destroyed." Each of the militants involved was hunted down and killed.
Russian naval special forces also have not shied away from playing the fear card. In 2010, the forces confronted Somali pirates.
Operating from their mother ship, the Somalis pirated a Russian oil tanker. Russian naval special forces boarded the tanker, easily routing the pirates, taking them captive and putting them back onboard their mother ship. There, the pirates were securely tied up and the mother ship fitted with explosives. Once back on their own ship, the Russians detonated the explosives.
No Russian ship since then has been pirated.

Russian special forces have demonstrated they can rise to the same level of violence as ISIS.

As they hit the ground running in Syria, the Russians will set out—aided by their Iranian and Syrian friends—to establish informant networks to identify, locate and kill ISIS leaders.
Where possible to do so, they will ensure they die a violent death in a way that conveys the message they seek to send.
If there is an Arabic word for "karma," ISIS will soon be muttering it.

Lt. Colonel James G. Zumwalt, USMC (Ret.), is a retired Marine infantry officer who served in the Vietnam war, the U.S. invasion of Panama and the first Gulf war. He is the author of "Bare Feet, Iron Will–Stories from the Other Side of Vietnam's Battlefields," "Living the Juche Lie: North Korea's Kim Dynasty" and "Doomsday: Iran–The Clock is Ticking." He frequently writes on foreign policy and defense issues.

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Hospital bill

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one. A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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How To Sing the Blues.... Your Handy Guide

You may have read this earlier. If so, you can't sing the Blues, you can only be depressed. If this has to be explained to you don't even try to sing the Blues.

The Blues is not about the quality of your singing either. When I try to sing, cars passing in the street rust, birds fall lifeless from the sky, and other people sing the Blues. Still I am too cheerful, even when I descend into a purple funk to sing the Blues realistically, despite being musically-challenged.

1. Most Blues songs begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues. Unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch doesn't cut it, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out does.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster for inspiration.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it, preferrably more than once.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have an RRSP or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Lame Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. Hence the remarks in my preface.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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How To Sing The Blues -- Your Handy Guide

2016 Revision...


The forces driving technological advancement incorporation into daily life has necessatated a modification assimilation to the last edition of: "How To Sing The Blues -- Your Handy Guide"


All wording in the previous guide remains unaltered and in full effect with the exception of #21, as ownership of a computer is no longer compulsory disqualification from being allowed to sing the blues..


It feels like only yesterday one could walk into one's local Slacker's Administration building in need of food stamps or other assistance and be met by a smiling cheerful front desk personage guarding the keypad-protected door behind which friendly helpful case workers were seated at their own desk in their own office awaiting one's arrival and looking forward to helping one make it through a period of tough times as one seeked to improve one's position in life..


This is no longer the case.. Today upon entering Slacker Central one is met by two harried volounteers protecting the large open area of a former off-brand shoe store where around its inner peremeter are small stomach-high shelfs separated by what appear to be repourposed semi-private urinal stall dividers, and upon each shelf sits an obsolete networked computer workstation..


Gone are the days of positive interaction between oneself and one's helpful caseworker.. That's right, today's caseworker is a cold impersonal computer terminal, networked to who knows where and operated by who knows whom.. Your future existance is now determined by how well you fill in the blanks of an online form staring back at you through the uncaring eye of a scratched-to-heck monitor.. The only reason the volounteers are even present is to maintain a sembelance of order and to help with spelling..


Key of A, on the four..


If one happens to be fortunate enough to end up in the system to the point of qualifying for a cash allocation as well as food stamps, free cheese and a free cell phone, it's been discovered the state can cut its overhead even further by supplying lucky you with an obsoleter computer and internet connection to better assist with one's requalifying process, while also being able to cut even more staff sequestered behind the curtain behind which one is not allowed to peek..


Key of E, watch me for the lead breaks..


Swamp


PS: All of the above is true, with the probable exception of the free in-home computer and internet connection, at least as of this moment.. For now one still needs to go down to the old shoe store to requalify, or, supply one's own computer and internet connection, but only if one's fingers are too clumsy to do the forms on one's smart phone purchased with one's cash subsidy..


Now, who's welfare Caddy are we gonna take cruisin' today..?
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.....
Now, who's welfare Caddy are we gonna take cruisin' today..?

When we go for that ride in the welfare Caddy, I call "Shotgun" if we're going to Memphis, literally, soos I can try again to fulfill my only outstanding requirement to sing the Blues!!

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