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Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles...

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to

4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

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The Milk Bath & The Blonde

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of

milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be

a mistake...He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

”I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill

my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so

I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits. I can splash it

on my eyes.”

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Sit the coffee down...

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole..

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together

at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize..

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve

your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He

was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands

there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took

his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her

hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long

moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

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THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!! Isn't it nice when someone comes up with such an obvious solution. POOF....no more problem!!!

SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM!

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at

the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-

ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this

crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long

and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in

the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly

thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention

standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..." :inocent:

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On Virgins and The Afterlife

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're' here to service 'them.' Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

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http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm

Now the rest of you can go nuts trying

to change the color of the ball.

Remember, "all" you have to do is

click on the ball to change its color.

CLICK ON THE BALL AND IT

WILL CHANGE COLOR.

Yes it really does change color.

Whoever made this up needs to be shot!

Once was enough for me!

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America's Smartest Woman

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only

4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world

needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and left the

plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi said I am the speaker of the house. And

I am the smartest woman in American history, so America ’s people don’t want

me to die.” She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war

hero from the Army of the United States of America ”. So he grabbed the pack

next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, Ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth

passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served

my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the

last parachute.”

The girl said, “That’s okay. There’s a parachute left for you. America’s

smartest woman took my schoolbag.”

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The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a

graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so

the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky

back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for

directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had

evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized

to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked

down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else

to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for

this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played

before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept

together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my

car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that

before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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A little trivia from 1970....two law students...can you identify

them?

post-300-127155034254_thumb.jpg

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Don,

Unfortunately I can, it is one of our past Presidents and his first lady, his second lady, errr girl was Monica and may have been his last.

I once thought I was going to get banned for posting this same picture on another Gold Forum a few years ago, though the posting was not in support for this past President but in jest for a few laughs :hahaha: :hahaha: , I thought it was a funny picture, but not anyone else :*&$*(: :*&$*(: , I was not the most "popular" guy on the forum for a few days!!! :whaaaa: :whaaaa:

Skip

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I understand where your coming from Skip....like the saying goes if

"they can't take a joke...$crew'em"....it just so happens that I

have several of these early photos of famous people....like this...

1969...post-300-127159492685_thumb.jpg

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I understand where your coming from Skip....like the saying goes if

"they can't take a joke...$crew'em"....it just so happens that I

have several of these early photos of famous people....like this...

1969...post-300-127159492685_thumb.jpg

Don,

I hear ya, but in their defense I was a "newbie" there and the thought was that I was maybe a treehugger who was trying to infiltrate the forum and start trouble. :inocent::inocent:

I don't recognize this picture, could it be one of the Bush gang?? :unsure: :unsure:

Edit: Well after posting my reply, I sorta cheated and saw the title of the jpg, so it must be OLE WILLIE HIMSELF!!! :thumbsupanim:thumbsupanim

In my original guess I was thinking politicians, and I sorta wondered which of the Bush gang played the guitar. :yuk-yuk: :yuk-yuk:

Skip

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Your right...guess this was about the time of Willie and Waylon...

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1967 he was hot in the movies....

post-300-127163506916_thumb.jpg

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HINT: "go ahead...make my day"...

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Where did you get that picture of me Gar? To this day people mistake me for Clint! :arrowheadsmiley: - Terry

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It could be worse Terry....since you have that nose like Tiny Tims..

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Damn, I didn't know that Vince changed his name to Clint after Ben Casey, but it sure "made his day"!!!! :inocent::inocent:

Skip

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Pic was 1963 and he's still one of my favorites...

post-300-127177863539_thumb.jpg

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Jack Nicholson, that smile and his eyes have never changed!!

One of my favorites as well.

Skip

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THE ORIGIN OF CHAPSTICK -(maybe) :inocent:

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry,

dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in

front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted

and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of

the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse,

lifted his tail and placed a big kiss on the horse's butt hole.

He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk,

and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff, "Did I just

see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful

chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope...but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

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This one is much easier Skip...

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!

http://tinyurl.com/56t9u

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