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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

NO SEX AFTER SURGERY A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford  Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all inte

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowbo

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WISCONSIN MILK

The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Barron , Wisconsin , for $2,000.00. They bought the cow and it was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with it and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side." The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin ?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin ?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wisconsin ."

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This lesson is approved by Mike.....

COINCIDENCE

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful.

I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, she replies,

"that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

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Mike aka dad says this works!

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems
to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is
getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the
room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick...."

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Don and All ... The above works because natural law dictates that use be proportioned according to numbers ... The Good Lord gave us TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason! :brows::4chsmu1::nutty::old:

Mike

Edited by Mike Furness
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The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued
fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole
world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an
ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath.
This "duel" would be a dog fight.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to
develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won
the fight would earn its people the right to rule the
disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its
arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and
Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then
crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian
wolves.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each
litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other
puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for
the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they
had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only
expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and
ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the
Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a
Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the
Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird,
odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling
beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look
and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a
minute.
As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled
toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant
wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the
Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole
in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur
from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the
ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies,
and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief
and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and
shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not
understand," said their leader, "Our top
scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the
meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves,
and they developed an incredible killing machine of a
dog!"
The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have
had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton
working to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
REMEMBER DON'T MESS WITH A JEW!


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Reflections on Beer

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink
this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better
to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,

that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin, When we commit no sin,

we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw

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beer.png

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but

the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

"and there are wheels on Beer trucks"

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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

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Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

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beer.png

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

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One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health

of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!. In much the same way,

the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol,

as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a

faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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BEER is Natures Nectar........Its good for eveything

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Neanderthals Still Thrive in Seattle


Seattle "neanderthal" guy tried to kill a spider with a "make shift blowtorch" only to set the house on fire.


His interview with the news reporter, makes it worth the watch. Be patient he appears about halfway thru the video.



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Can you solve this problem???

parking1.jpg

Scroll down for the answer.
Looks like you are going to be embarrassed!
Answer: 87. ………..Did you get it????
Want to figure it out before you peek?
OK, you give up…………………
See below:
parking2.jpg
Aren’t you ashamed,………just a little?
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Sex after Surgery!


A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that Nancy Pelosi, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.


A hospital spokesman replied:


"Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

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In Church Last Sunday...

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew
next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that
I just had to share it with you:

" Dear Lord: The last year has been very tough.
You have taken my favorite actor - James Garner;
my favorite actress - Lauren Bacall;
my favorite Comedian - Robin Williams,
and finally, my favorite author -Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are -
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. . . . . .Amen"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Captain Jack's Seafood Grille


A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes and that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.


Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.


Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.


Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.


Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.


Ten years later, at 65 years of age,the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.


Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.


Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

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