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The hardest part of being a guide dog!

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I'm thinking my dogs would have me wiz in a Electric Socket.

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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

NO SEX AFTER SURGERY A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford  Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all inte

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowbo

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The Jury...
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty. Here is a jury to be proud of.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:
"Yes, we did look, But your client didn't."

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DOCTOR/GUNS

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are
120,000.

© Accidental deaths per physician
is

0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is

80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups,

is

1,500.

© The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner is

.0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends

to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large,

We withheld the statistics on lawyers

For fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

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truth be told^.

REad of a cancer patient( had a rotten kidney) SAwbones/pathology misread the charts and removed the GOOD one, sent to pathology, oops it's good (or was until they removed it.)

http://www.star-telegram.com/2014/06/11/5893406/family-files-suit-after-wrong.html

]

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I did that for my knee surgery- surgeon was a little insulted, but a little insult is better than another bum knee.

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They don't call it a PRACTICE for nuttn' and we(and our wallets) are the victims of their practicing-John

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This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the

Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French

man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of

single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under

French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour: "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that

this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side !!

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Yea and then he's standing behind the wiener in the road that's covered with slippery snow!

Edited by garimpo
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The new Italian Minister, Elena Boschi, officially signs the registration
act as the minister of the new government.
(And we're stuck with the likes of Boxer, Feinstein, Pelosi, Maxine Waters,
Clinton, et al.)
ItalianMinister.jpg
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Don, that photo was Photo Shopped by a person that wasn't pleased by her being appointed, here's the real photo, you can really tell that this is the real photo, because if the picture Photo Shopped was real the guy to her left wouldn't be looking at the table!!! :brows::4chsmu1:

http://nowbuzzing.com/did-the-italian-minister-maria-elena-boschi-really-display-her-thong-underwear-during-her-swearing-in/

boschi.jph_.jpg

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Darn I like photoshop!

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Don, that photo was Photo Shopped by a person that wasn't pleased by her being appointed, here's the real photo, you can really tell that this is the real photo, because if the picture Photo Shopped was real the guy to her left wouldn't be looking at the table!!! :brows::4chsmu1:

http://nowbuzzing.com/did-the-italian-minister-maria-elena-boschi-really-display-her-thong-underwear-during-her-swearing-in/

boschi.jph_.jpg

SPOIL SPORT! when you get that old you'll understand why he's looking at the table!

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Sweet Smelly Revenge

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into

boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful

dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music,

and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of

spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few

half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow

center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first

all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few

days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return

their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a

huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him

the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on

a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but

only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the

moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the

ex-husband.......they even took the curtain rods!

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why I hate triathathlons

tumblr_mm5ztz0ugo1ql8dcfo1_400.gif

Edited by weaver hillbille
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Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this!!
FIRST NIGHT

The ghost of George Washington appears and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Oh! I really really don't want to do that."
THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater."
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Smith, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr J Smith arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs Smith asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

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