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The Cajun Bic Lighter

Prejean and Boudreaux were fishing in the
Bayou when Prejean pulled out a cigar. Finding he had
no matches, he asked Boudreaux for a light.

'Ya, ma fren, I tink I haff a lighter,'
Boudreaux replied with a Cajun
accent, and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Holy cow, man!' exclaimed Prejean, taking
the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Boudreaux,
'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Prejean asked.

'Ya, ma fren. It's right here in my tackle
box,' says Boudreaux.

'Could I see him?'

Boudreaux opens his tackle box and

sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Prejean says,
'Hey dere! I'm a good buddy of
your master. Will you grant me

one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Prejean asks the Genie for a
million bucks. The Genie disappears
back into the tackle box leaving
Prejean sitting there waiting for his million

bucks.

Shortly, the Louisiana sky
darkens and is filled with the sound of
a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks
Prejean yells at Boudreaux,
'What the hell? I asked for a million
bucks, not a million ducks!'

Boudreaux answers,
'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie
is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink
I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

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KEEPING A SHARP MIND IN RETIREMENT...

As we slowly move through retirement, we need to
keep ourselves occupied with small projects...
like this guy, for example.

Libtard.jpg

I know, I saw it right away, too no safety glasses
or hearing protection. And, I caught something
else that is really important:
he has no gloves on.
I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.
You gotta get up early to get past me.

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Don ... Go back to bed and get a little more sleep and look again ... NO safety toe boots or chaps!

Mike F

Give that guy some credit. Looks like he has a kick guard in place.

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As Nancy Pelosi was being driven through the country side
a cow suddenly jumped out into the road. The car hit it full on and hard. As the car came to a stop, Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead,
but it was old.

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a wonderful meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy.

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.."

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A group of women were at a seminar discussing how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the husband replies:

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up??
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

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Bless her little heart...

The secret to long life...

40yrs.jpg

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:,

She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar,

So he walked up to her and said,

“I couldn't help but notice how happy you look!

What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed,

I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's every week, and eat only junk food.

On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don't exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Forty,” she replied

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A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND...

A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

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Today I was beaten up by this woman..

I was in the elevator this morning minding my own business when this lovely

girl entered.

As I was staring at her chest, she said to me, "Would you please press

one...?"

So I did...

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Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38

revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex

watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have

a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with

another man."Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

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KEEPING A SHARP MIND IN RETIREMENT...

As we slowly move through retirement, we need to

keep ourselves occupied with small projects...

like this guy, for example.

Libtard.jpg

I know, I saw it right away, too no safety glasses

or hearing protection. And, I caught something

else that is really important:

he has no gloves on.

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

You gotta get up early to get past me.

O.K., ya got me good on that one. :th_coffeescreen:

I used to was a logger and I've seen just about as bad. :00000067:

Funny, until it starts. :Just_Cuz_15:

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True story,...

I was in a grocery store with a friend and his wife.

She got her shopping done and we got in line at the cashier.

In front of us was a 20 something young woman and an older

woman carrying a new born baby. My friend leaned over and

asked to see the baby. The lady got a big smile, obviously very

proud of her grand child, and pulled back the blanket.

My friend looked up at her and said,..

"Lady, that is the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The following scene and language was indescribable. :snapoutofit::Just_Cuz_15:

HIs wife won't ask him to go shopping with her anymore.

So, I guess his plan worked. :00000067::4chsmu1:

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”

I love this part.......

"Only when he's been drinking."

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we did it all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we did it all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this..)

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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We grads of the OLD SCHOOLS still have a difficult time adapting to all these confounded electronic do-dads. On top of that our kids look at us as though we erupted from some other planet. Cyclops were not, but we focus on what we know best,,,, a hammer and nail, screw driver, Monkey wrench and good old fashion common sense.

Watch the following short clip that takes less than a minute.

A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen. She asks:

"Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?"

This clip is spoken in German but it's totally understandable in any language.

http://www.snotr.com/embed/8965 < http://www.snotr.com/embed/8965>

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