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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

NO SEX AFTER SURGERY A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford  Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all inte

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowbo

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Tat driver's look at the camera was great....

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A student asked his english professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma.?"

"The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an
example to illustrate that."

"Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"

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it was and is a great little comedy! I just could resist sending it to Don for posting. Hope you all enjoyed it and are still laughing hysterically!

Mike

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Theater Seats For Seniors

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie
theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old
man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call
the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered an did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried
repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...








... "The balcony."

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Mike walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, "Who in here has been messing with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

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Another sign of the times

New sign at Wal-Mart

Our society is doomed..............

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......
and they VOTE.

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This is the only time you see this phenomenon in your life.

Calendar August 2014


Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31

August, will have 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This happens only once every 823 years. The Chinese call it 'Silver pockets full. " So: send this message to your friends and in four days money will surprise you. Based on Chinese Feng Shui. Whoever does not transmit the message ... may find themselves poor

I obeyed (you never know).

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Mr. Balls, aka 'Senhor Testiculo,' goes to bat for cancer research

Mascot for Brazilian cancer awareness group has made new friends with kids and adults while driving a serious medical issue into the media spotlight.

MrBalls.jpg

A child poses with Mr. Ball, the mascot for a Brazilian non-profit that helps people with cancer.

At first blush, the mascot's name is rather endearing: Mr. Balls.

But for those who might find that descriptive title offensive, the scrotum-shaped character also answers to "Senhor Testiculo" in Brazil, where he is a spokes-thing for a group that is seeking to raise awareness of testicular cancer research.

MrBalls2-1.jpg

Brazil's Association of Personal Assistance for Cancer likens Mr. Balls to a 'friendly snowman' beloved by children and adults.

An important mission, granted, and the rather graphic creation sponsored by Brazil's Association of Personal Assistance for Cancer has done its job by propelling the issue into the media spotlight.

"Both children and adults loved taking pictures with the mascot, a friendly snowman in the shape of testicle," says the non-profit organization's website.

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The Female Genie.................


While walking on a beach during one of his many vacations, Obama found a
bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the
bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Obama
responded, "Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me
anything."


The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever." Obama thought a moment, then after
grumbling about the impertinence of the woman said, "Very well, I want to
awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be
off with you. "The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next
morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi
in his bed.


His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.


God is good....

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Texas A&M Reports Obama is 5th Best President Ever You just gotta love those Aggies.

Now this is my kind of polling and elections!!! These are probably

the first honest numbers we've seen since he became President.

AFTER SIGNIFICANT RESEARCH BY BOTH THE HISTORY AND SOCIAL SCIENCES DEPARTMENTS AT TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY, THEY HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT OBAMA IS THE 5TH BEST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY!

From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama is rated as the 5th best

President ever! The publicity release said,"...after only 5 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever."

The details according to TEXAS A&M:

1. Reagan and Lincoln tied for first

2. 23 presidents tied for second

3. 17 other presidents tied for third

4. Jimmy Carter came in 4th

5. And, Obama came in fifth!

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Be Alert watch out for these guys they will take your money





What a Deal!....I got an email the other day from a Nigerian prince;
He's got a MILLION DOLLARS and he wants to give it to me
for FREE!

NIGERIANPRINCE.jpg

And all I have to do is give him all my bank account numbers
so he can transfer the money!

I was about to do it, but then I got ANOTHER email, see below:

Its from a KENYAN prince, and he wants to give me
FREE healthcare for life!

KENYANPRINCE.jpg

… and all I have to do is give him all my bank account numbers, MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER and MY CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH INFORMATION so he can make it happen!
Sounds like a familiar scam....huh ?

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."
-- Thomas Jefferson

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Was raining for most of the first half of the day so didn't fire up the detector.

What started out being sort of a boring day turned out pretty good....a new neighbor was moving in next door and she asked me if I would help her with the frig and other heavy stuff since I have the Toyota. Of course I said I would if she had someone to help with the lifting.....said she did. It took five loads in the truck and the same in her car packed to the ceiling. I've only known her for two days and when we met as we were shaking hands she told me her name and that she is a widow.

Guess I'll wait a few more days before I ask her if her husband died of natural causes or rat poison or suicide. A lot of all three goes on down here!

While being the helpful neighbor I saw a couple of teenagers in the street "joy riding".....

Joyride2014-01-20001.jpg

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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

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