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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

NO SEX AFTER SURGERY A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford  Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all inte

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowbo

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How proud his father must be

Jesse Jackson Jr. to Grab $8,700 Per Month in Disability, Plus Pension In Prison

Convicted Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-IL) is scheduled to receive $8,700 per month in government disability pay,

as well as a partial federal pension of $45,000. That generous $8,700 in disability comes thanks to Jackson ’s sudden

development of a "mood disorder" as the federal government began looking to indict him. Jackson, who was sentenced

to 2.5 years in prison, had no history of mental illness during his prior 17 years in Congress. Rev. Jesse Jackson has

defended his son’s claims of mental illness, stating to the court, " This time a year ago I thought we may have lost him."
 

So, Jesse Jackson, Jr. 17-year veteran of the US Congress, suddenly gets a
"mood disorder"
(about the same time he

learned he was to be indicted) and is going to prison for 2.5 years. Because his "mood disorder" was so severe, he has

become disabled and will receive $8700 per month as a disability payment as well as $45000 a year from his congressional

pension, a total of about $150K per year. Is this a great country or what?

By the way, I have had a rather substantial "mood disorder disability" ever since Obama got elected in 2008. I have not

committed any felonies, have not been convicted and sentenced to prison and I don't get squat - other than a higher and

higher tax bill every year and the privilege of watching our federal deficit grow every day of the year.

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FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
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(From an old high school buddy...)

If this doesn't get a laugh out of you, nothing will !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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Happy Thanksgivukkah!

This year Thanksgiving and the first day of Hanukkah fall on the same day: Thursday, November 28th. The last time this happened was 125 years ago and, apparently, the next time won't be until the year 79811! Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgivukkah!

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Now Homey after you read this one don't say " Sooo what's wrong with that"?

SIXTH DEGREE


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
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A man and a blonde were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The blonde sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the blonde sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the blonde might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the blonde sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the blonde and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The blonde nodded and said,, "Chilly Pepper".
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SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!'
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THE WORLD IS MINE - Author Unknown

Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman and wished I were as beautiful.
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew.
He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join them dear?"
He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't hear.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go.
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine,
I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

If this poem makes you feel thankful, just forward it to your friends.
After all, it's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be
thankful for.
Give the gift of love. It never comes back empty.
I have been truly blessed with AWESOME FRIENDS.

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Modern Romance

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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Beyond funny.... I hope Bobby did not get whacked too hard

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The guy that drilled down the armed robber has some serious machismo!

Edited by El Dorado
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Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old.
"When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year old.

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said,
"You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00,"

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