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Love Story

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.

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He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump

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As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

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They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

They finally decided on......

You ready for this?????

Humphrey'!

Oh, stop your whining.. It's a nice story and better than a lot of the junk I post.

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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.  He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.  Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,0

NO SEX AFTER SURGERY A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford  Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all inte

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Management course 101- Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed wit h nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

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Management course 101- Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed wit h nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

LOL! And so true!

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Back at The Bank of America

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says,

"Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID."?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America."

Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check."

Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do: one day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

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DOES HE HAVE A VOCABULARY OR WHAT....?

For the few of you who have missed him, R. Lee Ermey is the host of The History Channel's "Mail Call" and played the Drill Instructor in the movie, "Full Metal Jacket." He recently played the totally unsympathetic psychiatrist in a GEICO commercial. Heis a retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant and a very plain speaker, as you will soon read. So, for your entertainment, here is Retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey at his first press conference. The main topic of discussion is the Marine in Iraq who shot an Iraqi insurgent to death.

ANYWAY, THE STORY GOES:

We pick up as a reporter asks about "..how this potential war crime will affect our image in the world...":

Ermey: "WHAT KIND OF A PANSY-ASSED QUESTION IS THAT?"

Reporter 1: "Well, sir I think...."

Ermey: "THINK, FANCY BOY ??! GET THIS THROUGH THAT SEPTIC TANK ON TOP OF YOUR SHOULDERS, MORON : I DON'T GIVE A darn WHAT YOU THINK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?? THAT MARINE SHOT AN ENEMY COMBATANT, dork. SO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU MY OWN PERSONAL PIN CUSHION!!!

NEXT QUESTION: YOU IN THE BLUE SUIT."

Reporter 2: Don't you think that the world's opinion of our operations is important ?

Ermey: "OH SURE! YOU DON'T KNOW THE TIMES I HAVE CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SOME GODDAMNED FRENCH PANSY THINKS! OH THE DAYS I HAVE HAD TO WEEP, BECAUSE SOME crap EATING TERRORIST SCUMBAG MIGHT BE MAD AT US, BECAUSE WE WENT INTO WHATEVER GOD FORSAKEN HOLE IN THE crap THAT HE LIVES IN AND KILLED HIM. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS QUESTION IS THAT YOU PETER-PUFFING JACKASS? WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , AND WHEN YOU ATTACK US, WE ARE GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BLOW YOUR STINKING CAMEL-LICKING CARCASS INTO PIECES SO SMALL WE WILL BE ABL E TO BURY YOUR SORRY ASS IN A THIMBLE! YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. YOU ARE PROBABLY AFRAID, THINK ING THAT I HAVE SUCH AN "EXTREME" ATTITUDE AND THAT I NEED TO BE MORE "SENSITIVE" TO OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU POLE-SMOKING PANSY! I DON'T GIVE A darn WHAT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! THIS IS A DAM N WAR, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND SUCK ON MAMMA'S TIT! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU RUNT? NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I GO CRAZY AND KICK THE LIVING crap OUT OF YOU!!

NEXT QUESTION: YOU WITH THE UGLY-ASSED TIE, LOOK AT THAT THING! IT IS HIDEOUS!"

Reporter 3: "Aren't you going against the freedom of the press by.."

Ermey: "FREEDOM? WHAT IN BLUE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FREEDOM? I HAVE SWEATED MY ASS OFF IN JUNGLES, WHILE BEING SHOT AT FOR THIS NATION! WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE YOU LITTLE crap-SUCKING WEASEL? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PUT YOUR ASS ON THE LINE FOR ANYTHING? AND YET YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED TEMERITY TO SHOW UP HERE AND MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK THE ACTIONS OF A BRAVE MARINE, WHO WAS DEFENDING HIMSELF AND HIS UNIT FROM AN ATTACK BY SOME MURDEROUS AL-QUEDA SYMPATHIZER!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT, NUMB-NUTS? I AM CONCERNED ABOUT A BUNCH OF GRABASSTIC, ORGANIZED MORONS WITH CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES DOING THEIR BEST TO PORTRAY OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN AS WAR CRIMINALS! I AM CONCERNED ABOUT CHICKEN-crap PANSIES THAT WANT US TO NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS AND WHINE ABOUT THEIR PISS-ANT "FREEDOMS"!!

NEXT QUESTION.

Reporter 3: "I...I.."

Ermey: "DID YOU HAVE A BIG BOWL OF STUPID FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING, NUMB NUTS? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF THAT COMMIE CRY HOLE IN THAT crap-PILE YOU CALL A HEAD! AND THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR THE REST OF YOU PANSY-ASSED MORONS! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I SHOVE MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON MY SHOELACES!!!!"

Marine DI's have a language all their own.

God bless them all.

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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little sh?t head.

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Here's one answer to our border mess....and since they did away with DADT it shouldn't be to hard to

find a few marchers like these:

This would be a BIG HIT at the Tijuana and Texas Border crossings.

Let's do it all across our Southern Border!

This is how the border between India and Pakistan is closed, every day.

http://www.wimp.com/indiapakistan/ " rel="nofollow" target="_blank"" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"<http://www.wimp.com/indiapakistan/>

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This kid got an A+ for this paper

BY A 15 yr. OLD SCHOOL KID

who got an A+ for this entry

(TOTALLY AWESOME)!

Since the Pledge of Allegiance

And

The Lord's Prayer

Are not allowed in most

Public schools anymore

Because the word 'God' is mentioned.....

A kid in Arizona wrote the attached

NEW School prayer:

"New Pledge of Allegiance"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

If scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene..

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall

Might offend someone with no faith at all..

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,

We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong..

We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles..

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

If you aren't ashamed to do this, Please pass this on..

Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.'

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This is when comedy was funny, and clean. It is a 1951 clip with Frank Sinatra.

This guy, Larry Griswold, is very fit and very skilled. Guaranteed to make you laugh. Turn up your volume and enjoy watching a pro at work.

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Clever - Old Cemeteries

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour..
And, one who can

enjoy browsing old cemeteries...

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no

place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery
, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The

Good Die Young.

=============================

In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid

but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, And

the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace

wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him

for not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England
, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went

out of tune.

==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,

Vermont
:

Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,

Massachusetts
:

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.

==================================

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be.

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent.

Until I know which way you went.

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CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends.

Hey Garimpo, I knew all that since I was a kid. In my teens I spent a lot of time readin and studyin about 17th. and 18th. century pirates. My biggest hero and mentor was Edward Teach

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