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Folks in Okla. are sure suffering because of the heat and it being so dry...no rain in sight and

just the other day somebody caught a 20 lb. catfish in the Red River and it had ticks on it....

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Back in Hell

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go

to Hell.

Upon arrival and while being checked in, they spot a red phone

and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a

million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6

million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he

is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why

Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the

country has gone to Hell, so it's a local call."

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A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?'

The kid says “How should I know?”

:ph34r2: :hahaha: :ph34r2:

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On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit...

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

post-300-0-00829300-1311367266_thumb.jpg

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Good one Don :hahaha: :hahaha:

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE - AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And.....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people on Capital Hill playing marbles!

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Elton John and

David Furnish wanted a baby.

post-300-0-66183600-1311715851_thumb.jpg

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially

inseminated.

When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen

babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them

and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton

asked David. "All these crying babies and yet our baby is so

content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when

I pull the pacifier out of his arse."

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Families here in So. American tend to run in large numbers...when you marry a woman for example in

Brazil(as I did) you marry a whole family....so your "extended" family may run into the 50's to

a 100 easily....in some of the small towns here(pop. 10,000-15,000)...everybody will know each

other and may also be related to each other....

I learned early on that having the only vehicle in my "extended" family can produce problems...

like when I was renting a vehicle(VW combie)before I could buy a pick-up I announced one day

that in two more days I was having to go to Brasilia...Brazil's capitol...to complete some

paper work for my "green card"...on the morning of departure 18 people were jammed into the

combie...lucky I didn't get a ticket...Brasilia is a very expensive place since it's inhabited

by politicians mostly or there would probably have been 20 or more in the combie...

Years later I found out people here would much rather go to the state capitol...Goiania...300km

from here since many folks here have relatives there they can bum off of for a couple of days...

An example of what can happen if I give more than one hours notice of a planned trip to the capitol...

post-300-0-49922600-1312064654_thumb.jpgnuff said???

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Families here in So. American tend to run in large numbers...when you marry a woman for example in

Brazil(as I did) you marry a whole family....so your "extended" family may run into the 50's to

a 100 easily....in some of the small towns here(pop. 10,000-15,000)...everybody will know each

other and may also be related to each other....

I learned early on that having the only vehicle in my "extended" family can produce problems...

like when I was renting a vehicle(VW combie)before I could buy a pick-up I announced one day

that in two more days I was having to go to Brasilia...Brazil's capitol...to complete some

paper work for my "green card"...on the morning of departure 18 people were jammed into the

combie...lucky I didn't get a ticket...Brasilia is a very expensive place since it's inhabited

by politicians mostly or there would probably have been 20 or more in the combie...

Years later I found out people here would much rather go to the state capitol...Goiania...300km

from here since many folks here have relatives there they can bum off of for a couple of days...

An example of what can happen if I give more than one hours notice of a planned trip to the capitol...

post-300-0-49922600-1312064654_thumb.jpgnuff said???

:whaaaa: :whaaaa: :whaaaa:

Man! Talking about "Car Pooling", I guess it was invented down there!!!! :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha:

Skip

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Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a blonde New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo...And...

3. She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have a bush down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook the brisket over that Mesquite wood it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses

and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

Then came the big question,

'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real Texas cowboy?'

'Are you kidding?

When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my mind!'

post-300-0-87467100-1312295752_thumb.jpg

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BREAKING NEWS....

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news.... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken $hit.

Just keeping you up to date ...

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BREAKING NEWS....

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news.... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken $hit.

Just keeping you up to date ...

Good one :thumbsupanim

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Michelle Obama was offered $50 and a fly swatter by National Geographic.

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she really need to stop using that jar of ugly cream.....

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Military Quote of the Day

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional and now it's

legal. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."

GySgt Harry Berres, USMC

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Man's best friend my asspost-300-0-72502300-1312826174_thumb.jpgsee who's hanging here without a chute...

if I ever get my four paws on terr-firma again there's going to be hell to pay....

If there's a doggie God please don't let this MF get an itch....

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IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegals wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, five phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE

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Most of us don't usually think of beer as an earth-friendly alternative to improving our gardens and lawns or dealing with a host of pests. However, if you can bring yourself to part ways with your favorite brew, or at least invest in some of the cheap stuff, you'll be surprised by beer's many uses.

1. Trap slugs and snails: Place dishes or jars of beer around your garden, especially in the evening. In the morning, the slimy critters, which have been drawn by the beer's aroma/fermentation, will have drowned. The beer can be re-used until it evaporates for garden pest control.

2. Trap fruit flies: If you keep a compost pail in your kitchen, you will also likely have fruit flies. Just place a jar or can of beer on the kitchen counter. Cover the top with plastic wrap or paper, leaving a small opening for the flies to get into. The fruit flies won't be able to get back out.

3. Distract bees and wasps from your outdoor gathering: Beer placed in cups around the outskirts of your picnic or barbeque will attract bees and wasps. It's not a long-term wasp control tactic; it's more like placing difficult relatives at the furthest table.

4. Get rid of mice: If you don't have a cat, a small amount of beer placed in a pail will help take care of a mouse problem, especially if you prefer to capture mice in a humane fashion. Just put an inch or so of beer in the pail, place some type of ramp, such as a piece of wood for the mice to crawl up. The mice fall into the pail and then you can remove your inebriated mice to some place outside.

5. Cockroach trap: Put a piece of bread soaked in beer in a jar. Put Vaseline around the lip of the jar. Roaches are attracted, get in, and can't get out.

6. Fertilize your gardens: The sugars in beer are also enjoyed by your garden vegetables and flowers.

7. Fertilize your indoor plants: Yep, they like beer too. You don't want to over-do it with indoor plants since they are contained and not subject to the cleansing distribution of rain. Use flat beer, just a small amount at the base of the plant.

8. Get rid of brown spots in your lawn: The acids in beer kill off fungi and pests, and the fermented sugars feed the grass.

9. Stain removal: Instead of pulling out a chemical cleaner when you've dribbled tea or coffee on your clothing or rug, soak the stain in beer. Let the beer sit for awhile then dab with a clean cloth. Wash well with soap and water once the spot has soaked. Always spot-test the fabric first.

10. Spruce up wooden furniture: Rub flat beer gently onto furniture using a soft cloth. The beer will help restore some of the polish and color.

11. Clean gold jewelry: Similar to how you would use commercial gold-cleaning chemicals, just place your gold jewelry in a dish of beer. Let it soak, then remove, rinse, and gently polish with a dry cloth.

12. Polishing brass pots: Using a soft cloth, gently rub beer onto the pot. Let the pot sit for awhile, rinse, and dry with another soft cloth. The acids in beer work wonders on most metals.

13. Loosen rusty bolts: Using beer to loosen bolts is a bit "Macgiver-ish", but the acids in the beer may dissolve enough rust to allow you to get them loose.

14. Insulation: Lastly, for the truly adventurous and creative, if you use full, unopened cans of beer in construction of walls, the beer absorbs the cold and won't freeze in temperate climates (due to the alcohol content).

This writer is obviously a teetotaler - wasting beer in any manner listed is tantamount to alcohol abuse.

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Ditto!

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The government today announced that it is changing its symbol from an Eagle

to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political

stance.... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the

next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of

security while you're actually being screwed!

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Worse than a nightmare....a total disgrace to the American political system....now I understand why Obama

uses a teleprompter....

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Maybe we can calm the Reps' fears by securing pontoons on either side of the island.

I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed, the ignorant Congressman or the stupid voters that put him there.

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The Swedes boogied down in Austin,Tx last may...take a look....

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Now for some rock n roll don't miss this part....

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