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Just got back from my routine 6 month check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until

she stuck her index finger up you know where.

Is that a normal dental procedure?

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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Fifty years of Dems:

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental.. He tells her to slip it into his mashed p

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MOVIE QUIZ............

Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.

This amazing math quiz will predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most.

It really works! .....

for MOST of us anyway!

Movie Test:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply by 3.

3. Add 3.

4. Multiply by 3 again.

5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below

Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Blazing Saddles

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Obama Farewell speech of 2012

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

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Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) just announced

he will run for President and has selected Attorney

General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate.

Please vote for the Weiner-Holder Democratic ticket in

2012 and get your FREE barbeque tool kit from the

Democratic National Committee.

post-300-0-14584900-1308595446_thumb.jpg

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Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) just announced

he will run for President and has selected Attorney

General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate.

Please vote for the Weiner-Holder Democratic ticket in

2012 and get your FREE barbeque tool kit from the

Democratic National Committee.

post-300-0-14584900-1308595446_thumb.jpg

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Good one Don :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha:

There seems to be quite a bit of political turmoil now-a-days. Perhaps if we had a way to more clearly understand each other, things might be more civil (or not?).

Below is an extract from the new Redneck Rosetta Stone

CALIFORNIA ................................................. TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons ......................................... Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands ......................................... Swamp

Undocumented Worker......................................... Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials......................................... Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery......................................... Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed......................................... Well-protected

Narrow-minded......................................... Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share......................................... Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control.........................................Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives.........................................Fireworks or Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass .........................................Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity .........................................Socialism

Multicultural Community......................................... High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress......................................... Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich" .........................................Self-Employed

Progressive, Change ......................................... Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged ......................................... Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle......................................... Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future......................................... Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform ......................................... Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater .........................................Conservative

Truants ......................................... Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed ......................................... Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine.........................................Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot......................................... Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves .........................................Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee......................................... Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich" ......................................... Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby .........................................NRA Members

Assault Weapon......................................... Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus ......................................... New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage .........................................Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting .........................................Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

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Hahahahahaaaaa! I guess the rumors about Weiner pulling out are false then.

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Retirement, At Last...

One day Dick decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Mexican Riviera cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Naturally our man is stunned beyond words.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As Dick looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," Dick blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, his head spinning, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, Dick goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he says to himself. "What the hell could be next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her."Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "Holy Crap, you've built a Golf Course haven't you?"

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It’s Keith... the midget."

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My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my

allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of

the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my

laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash

Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me

and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me

again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share

to my brother.

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

"Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

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There once was a scoundrel named Weiner

Who had a very perverted demeanor

Forced from the Hill

For acting like Bill

Now Congress is one wiener leaner

rofl.gif

ROTFLMAOPIMP! :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :whoope:

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Bet you didn't know this....

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

Be right back...going to check that new mint flavored Listerine!!!

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Don't miss the end of this .... it's the best part!

Cowboy Solution (This is Good) I really like the gasoline part!!!

I have lived, loved, lost and loved again. Life is not easy,..... but it is what it is.

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Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah .... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

And there is more.............

The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.

The price of gas would come down.....

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. .......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, withoutthe canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

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President Obama decrees that the Rules of Golf must be changed.

New Federal Golf Rules

Since these new golf rules will be in effect in April of 2011, please share

with fellow golfers.

New Federal Government Golf Rules

President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the

game of golf will become effective in April 2011. This is only a preview as the

complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are

a few of the changes.

Golfers with handicaps:

- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.

- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.

- above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:

- handicaps below 10, no entitlements. - handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements

for putter length putts.

- handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly,

equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one

birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those

fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have

received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that

player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system

will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available

only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of winning by making sure that in

every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against

every other player's gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the

game of golf.

Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work,

practice,, and responsibility. This is the "Right thing to do."

********************************

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President Obama decrees that the Rules of Golf must be changed.

New Federal Golf Rules

Since these new golf rules will be in effect in April of 2011, please share

with fellow golfers.

New Federal Government Golf Rules

President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the

game of golf will become effective in April 2011. This is only a preview as the

complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are

a few of the changes.

Golfers with handicaps:

- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.

- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.

- above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:

- handicaps below 10, no entitlements. - handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements

for putter length putts.

- handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly,

equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one

birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those

fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have

received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that

player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system

will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available

only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of winning by making sure that in

every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against

every other player's gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the

game of golf.

Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work,

practice,, and responsibility. This is the "Right thing to do."

********************************

Hey Dizzy....I've got a friend that is a golf nut....I gotta send him this....

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post-300-0-83565900-1310342314_thumb.jpg

The latest toy has hit the shops--a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says,

because no one has the balls to pull the cord.

My guess as to what it says is "Allahu Akbar" followed by a loud BOOM!!! :evil1:

Skip

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Last Kiss

Two tough looking Los Angeles policemen were patrolling when they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped .

The lead officer, a big burly man, got out of the patrol car and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide ."

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she did, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she finished, the policeman said, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

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