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The Old West Texas Rancher Says................

If it only took 18 days of demonstrations for Egypt to get rid of their idiot. Where you figure we ought to meet at ????

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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Fifty years of Dems:

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental.. He tells her to slip it into his mashed p

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My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."

I thought great..., threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find our boy holding hands with his friend Michael.

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In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many who text message and email,

have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Those of you who fall into this world,

please take note of the following statement.

I cannot stress enough that grammar is important...

Capitalization is the difference between...

helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,

and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

This lesson is finished.

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A bear and a rabbit are sitting in a forest taking a sh!t.

The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of sh!t sticking to your fur"?

The rabbit says "No".

So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his azz with him. :*&$*(:

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There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.

So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was

searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding

position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he

should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a

matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The

bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued

the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why

he should be chosen. The

Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh,

whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small

pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate

why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox,

and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was

still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is

that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

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A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next term...in her biology class."

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PSA LISTEN UP....

Homemade Radiation Tester

I checked with SNOPES and this works....................

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester

You can easily assemble and rely upon.

Follow these simple instructions, IT REALLY WORKS!!

OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBOCKER MICROWAVE POPCORN

JUST LEAVE ON YOUR TABLE -- IF IT STARTS POPPING YOU'RE SCREWED

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HOOKERS UNION

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Gertie here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

NOW you know what's wrong with the AUTO industry and the seniority system in the House and Senate.

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White House Gardener Fired!

The head gardener at the White House was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents.

In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential residence, the elderly Caucasian gardener, Jim

Bob Whitey, protested his innocence.

"It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze," said the bewildered Whitey.

"All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I

yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' And the next thing I knew, I was fired!"

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JEWISH GENIE

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinarygenie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'

'Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu:

Shrimp cocktail, Lobster Patron, and Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "But my mother's not expecting a BJ tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"

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Technology news ....

Apple does it again.

Apple announced today it developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts

and not listening to them.

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:zapped: That's just nuts! Is real estate that scarce around there?

Calm down Dizzy...that wasn't here...the people in it looked like Orentials...

But since we're more or less on the subject here's a thought:

How do you starve an Obama supporter??

Hide their food stamps under their work shoes.

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Vegetable Stand

How close to a train track can you set up a produce stand?

http://www.wimp.com/vegetablemarket/

Looks like cambodia or maybe vietnam to me.

Aloha,

Stan aka Kaimi

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CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends.

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