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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.Well developed and open to trade, especially For someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a

glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END.

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A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have

some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

Little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room!!!

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Aloha Don,

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sooooo glad I invested in a keyboard protector for my laptop!:rasberry:

That was a good one.:thumbsupanim

Aloha,

Stan aka Ka'imi

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I love kids...they say exactly what their thinking....

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and

asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader

Strike while the .........................Bug is close

It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of..........Termites

You can lead a horse to water but........how?

Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty

No news is................................impossible

A miss is as good as a...................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new............math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning

Love all, trust..........................me

The pen is mightier than the..............pigs

An idle mind is..........................The best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's...............pollution

Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents

A penny saved is..........................not much

Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers

Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder

Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries

You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way

And the favorite:

Better late than.........................pregnant.

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Surgery............... Five surgeons are talking.

#1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. "

#2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "

#3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

#4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like

construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. "

#5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable. "

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And just think Rodd....your politicans are better than ours!!!!

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THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

" THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

" THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

" THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink ."

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GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the

door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out

there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about

three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I

think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God

loves drunk people too.�

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding

rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

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First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS! A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

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The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.

I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

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Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

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Very useful results from a University research study....

A 1 million £ prize was offered to any university who could explain why the end of a man's penis was helmet shaped.

Oxford University researchers concluded that it was to give the man more pleasure during sexual intercourse.

Cambridge University researchers concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sexual intercourse.

Dublin University researchers retired to the pub and concluded it was to stop your hand from slipping off.

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Very useful results from a University research study....

A 1 million £ prize was offered to any university who could explain why the end of a man's penis was helmet shaped.

Oxford University researchers concluded that it was to give the man more pleasure during sexual intercourse.

Cambridge University researchers concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sexual intercourse.

Dublin University researchers retired to the pub and concluded it was to stop your hand from slipping off.

To much, you have all the answers!!!???:?

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David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillac’s approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

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Driver's License ---

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,

'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,

'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,

'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

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post-300-0-07595000-1300622843_thumb.jpg

You know,I was wondering what my fourth wife was up to these days. Looks like my Six-pack Beauty Queen finally found something she enjoys doing :thumbsupanim Terry

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Dedicated to my first wife. God help me, sometimes I do miss her.. Terry

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director

to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or

friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky

back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical

man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone

and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew

left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side

of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't

know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out

my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I

wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and

started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never

seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for

twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

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Subject: SHOPPER INJURED IN GEORGIA

*Augusta, GA**Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.*

*Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.*

*After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.*

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Aloha Don,

I keep on telling people here in Vegas that they really have to watch their step around them curbs BUT they just wont listen. Well, at least the Marines probably tried to help him up but he just kept on falling.:stupidrb:

Aloha and stay safe.

Stan aka Ka'imi

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