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Just trying to keep up to Johnno...Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many

Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three

Phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how

Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through

Three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

Rodd

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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought.

Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."

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A former Infantry Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher.

Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year...

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Sayings by famous people:

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<<>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

And the cardiologist' s diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

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Sayings by famous people:

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<<>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

And the cardiologist' s diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

Those are some good ones J....

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Johnno... those were all bulls-eyes!

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Subject: Life Lessons

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two

important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body"

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,

withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the

butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

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Subject: Life Lessons

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two

important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body"

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,

withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the

butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

:stupidrb: :stupidrb: :stupidrb: :hahaha: :hahaha:

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THE TINY CABIN

A ACLU worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door... 'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the ACLU worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the ACLU worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the ACLU worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.. 'This is the Outhouse!'

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A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear, and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most

confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...

Sorry...

I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that $hit.

Never mind.

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And Then It Started!

post-21985-0-38180500-1297179191_thumb.j

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OMG Gar, OMG! :hahaha: Terry

Been wondering about you T...you were still digging out from the last big blast and now your getting it again...

head West young man...head West(when you can find your car)...

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Been wondering about you T...you were still digging out from the last big blast and now your getting it again...

head West young man...head West(when you can find your car)...

Oh man, it is freakin' Wicked here on the East Coast! We are back in the negatives again tonight. Maybe I can get out of here by the end of the month. We a very busy in Arizona, so at least that's good! - Terry

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Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was

astonished to see that his bed was nicely made

and everything was picked up. Then he saw an

Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow

that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm

writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend

because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because

of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle

clothes and the fact that she is much older than

I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack

of firewood for the whole winter. We share a

dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana

doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for

ourselves and trading it with the other people

that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will

find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can

get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know

how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to

visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are

worse things in life than a lousy Report card

That's in my desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

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My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, I-Phone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house."

Well, she didn't actually put it like that... Actually, she said...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

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The Port Call

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point: No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

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Oh No - Will AZ ever be the same!!

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands, showing

their outrage with Arizona 's controversial new SB-1070 law by moving

elsewhere.

In the small town of Guadalupe AZ , south of Phoenix , Manuel Renaldo is

one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving. As he loaded his stolen

car with his belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter

through an interpreter "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by

a state that treats me like a criminal."

The effects of the exodus are being felt by Arizona retailers who are

reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard

are the states hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births

and emergency room visits. Tattoo parlors are in a state of panic.

Renaldo told a reporter through an interpreter "He and his family are

moving to California , which is a state that will support him and his family

with dignity."

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Oh No - Will AZ ever be the same!!

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands, showing

their outrage with Arizona 's controversial new SB-1070 law by moving

elsewhere.

In the small town of Guadalupe AZ , south of Phoenix , Manuel Renaldo is

one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving. As he loaded his stolen

car with his belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter

through an interpreter "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by

a state that treats me like a criminal."

The effects of the exodus are being felt by Arizona retailers who are

reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard

are the states hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births

and emergency room visits. Tattoo parlors are in a state of panic.

Renaldo told a reporter through an interpreter "He and his family are

moving to California , which is a state that will support him and his family

with dignity."

Poor Renald....just like Rodney...no respect!!!

First it was the "dust bowl" and now it's the "Mexican bowl"...will it ever cease???

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A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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