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Now that's funny - as an American I'm thinking about bombing Australia - but that's funny! :hahaha: Terry

Threat levels:

The English are feeling the pinch...

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also

admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

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Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems.

He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end

of the month, if I try to pay them off,

he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.

He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry

about the rest, but already we can

hardly keep up with the interest.

.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward

our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.

The few that do are an odd bunch,

to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive

gifts, running up our bills even more.

.

Also, he has gotten religious.

One week he hangs out with Catholics

and the next with people who say the

Pope is the Anti-Christ,

and the next he's with Muslums.

Finally, the last straw.

He's demanding that before anyone can

be in the same room with him,

they must sign a loyalty oath.

It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.

You can divorce the jerk any time you want.

The rest of us are stuck with him

for two more years!

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:hahaha: Priceless :hahaha: Gar! :whoope: Terry

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Jewish Christmas

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick what you do at Christmas Time?” she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms.Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys".

"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, my sister and I also go to Church with Mum And Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, and then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas."

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I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

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Note to self : Remove dog before stabbing box to make air-holes.

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These are all very quick reads.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

World's Shortest Books _________________________________

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

by Tiger Woods

____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

_________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

by Amelia Earhart

__________________________________

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

____________________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

by Ted Kennedy

_________________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction by

the Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

by Nancy Pelosi

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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,

'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.

We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,

'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,

'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,

'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.

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The Jewish Samurai

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat! said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!*Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!*, flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room…but the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision...THAT takes skill!"

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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

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Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists.

They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

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Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists.

They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Bloody hell mate. I'm still pissing myself over that one. :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha:

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Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many

Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three

Phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how

Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through

Three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

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The girl knelt in the confessional and said: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What

is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself

in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at

the girl, and said: "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a

mistake..." :???:

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These are all very quick reads.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

World's Shortest Books

_________________________________

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

by Tiger Woods

____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

_________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

by Amelia Earhart

__________________________________

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

____________________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

by Ted Kennedy

_________________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction by

the Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

by Nancy Pelosi

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Good one, I like it

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The Polite Way to Call Someone a Ba$tard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.>

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,

"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

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When your about ready to party down...hair fried...died...and laid to the

side...got your best man-clothes on and you figure you've got a pair of

prized ones swinging...try this on for size and see if you qualify for

all the above:

http://www.wimp.com/snappingturtles/

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A football story

woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down,

a

> man

> came

> along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

"No,"

> she

> said, "the

> seat is empty."

>

> "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would

have a

> seat like

> this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and

not

> use it?"

>

> Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I

was

> supposed

> to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first

Super

> Bowl we have

> not been to together since we got married in 1967."

>

> "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find

someone

> else - a friend

> or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The woman shakes her

> head,

> "No,

> they're all at the funeral." :cry2:

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TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

-

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids have become you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..

Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...

movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names .... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... anymore.

~Your spouse/companion is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better in a chaise-lounge chair with the TV blaring than you do in bed. It's called your "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said,

"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?

Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,

"I hope my kids GET married...

Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ....

were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...

"what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You might have a night out with the ladies,

but you're home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your spouse/companion has retired ...

you'd give anything if they'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...

2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:

old songs,

old movies,

And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Love you, "OLD FRIEND!"

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived!

Happy New Year 2011 and remember your old friends, while you still can!!

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Finally...at last...THE addition to "my places to die for" I can hardly wait to visit...

Here's the heading:SAN FRANCISCO -- The nation's first gay museum opening in San

Francisco's Castro district showcases a variety of items ranging from Harvey Milk's pink-framed

sunglasses to manuscripts and sex toys.

The exhibits should be as interesting as the Executive Directors name...Paul Boneberg!!! I wonder

if their kidding!!!

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Excuse me for being countryfied.....

Yo,yo, yo Gar! That's HOT baby! :whoope: Terry

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