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Aloha,

Just told my Sister this one and she said that this one is for the books. She will be relaying it tonite at supper. Hopefully not too many NUNS will spit up their soup on this one.

Aloha and keep em coming.

Stan aka Ka'imi

For Kaimi and our Sisters....

The New Priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four

pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first

now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more

beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in

that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of

Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too

far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled

since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'

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Aloha,

Just told my Sister this one and she said that this one is for the books. She will be relaying it tonite at supper. Hopefully not too many NUNS will spit up their soup on this one.

Aloha and keep em coming.

Stan aka Ka'imi

Hi Kaimi...glad to hear your Sisters appreciate a good joke...where are they located and do they have a computer?

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Hi Kaimi...glad to hear your Sisters appreciate a good joke...where are they located and do they have a computer?

Aloha,

She is with the order of The Sisters of Social Services and her convent is in encino, ca..

In fact it is a huge mansion that was donated by a silent movie producer when he passed away. I think his last name is Hayes. It is located just off of Hayvenhurst and Wilshire Blvd. in the midst of some VERY expensive properties. You should see the neighborhood.:inocent: I guess knowing he was going to meet his maker he wanted to get in on HIS good side.:yuk-yuk: It is a retirement home for nuns and is also used for meetings as they have a large dormitory and full kitchen facility. Man it is HUGE!!!!!

I metal detected their pond a couple of years ago when they drained it and came away with over $1300 in coins. Well actually the church got them! That was a blast slogging thru muck a foot thick once it was dredged up onto a portion of the property they now use as a orchard. Great topsoil now!

Aloha,

Stan aka Ka'imi:olddude:

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Aloha,

She is with the order of The Sisters of Social Services and her convent is in encino, ca..

In fact it is a huge mansion that was donated by a silent movie producer when he passed away. I think his last name is Hayes. It is located just off of Hayvenhurst and Wilshire Blvd. in the midst of some VERY expensive properties. You should see the neighborhood.:Innocent: I guess knowing he was going to meet his maker he wanted to get in on HIS good side.:yuk-yuk: It is a retirement home for nuns and is also used for meetings as they have a large dormitory and full kitchen facility. Man it is HUGE!!!!!

I metal detected their pond a couple of years ago when they drained it and came away with over $1300 in coins. Well actually the church got them! That was a blast slogging thru muck a foot thick once it was dredged up onto a portion of the property they now use as a orchard. Great topsoil now!

Aloha,

Stan aka Ka'imi:olddude:

Good thinking on detecting the pool...bet that was fun and a lot of work....do the

Sister there have a computer? The reason I'm asking is just three blocks East of me is a very large Seminary and three blocke South is a hugh church and school...also it's where the Bishop lives and I would like to get a group photo of some of them here wishing your Sisters a Merry Christmas. Then I could send the pic to them in an email...thought they might like seeing some of their Brazilian Sisters....

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Aloha,

Sent you a PM with my "Sisters" email address. She will be expecting a couple of pics of the Brazilian sisters. She will also be getting the Sisters together for a group xmas shot soon and will forward a copy to you.

Aloha and be safe out there.

Stan aka Ka'imi

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If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one..... What an incredible story of luck and true inspiration!

post-300-0-61109200-1290123335_thumb.jpg

Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!

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Bush's note to Obama.....

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud, you're holding it upside down!'

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Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few

ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

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Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was

nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped

up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with

my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,

tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I

am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole

winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt

anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that

live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know

your grandchildren

Love, Your Son John

PS.. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a

Report Card, That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

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CLOCKS IN HEAVEN

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he

saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a

lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,

telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

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It didn't take long for the slogan makers to do their stuff...

post-300-0-23821600-1290863437_thumb.gif

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RANGERMG...feel free to add content since your living it....

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: ??- No Christmas?- No television?- No nude women?- No football?- No pork chops?- No hot dogs?- No burgers?- No beer?- No bacon?- Rags for clothes?- Towels for hats?- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?- More than one wife?- More than one mother in law?- You can't shave?- Your wife can't shave?- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?- You wipe your arse with your hand?- You cook over burning camel crap?- Your wife is picked by someone else?- Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?? Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

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Garimpo

Now I have to clean my Computer again..Thanks...Coffee everywhere... :grr01: Yeah I's sorry all are sure good reasons to put yourself out of your misery for sure..LOL (I know I am going to burn in Hell for that one if the wife finds out about it) Good reason I only have one wife and One Mother in Law...I dang sure would hate to be that Poor Bastard :cry2: ...LOL

Thanks Garimpo you made my day.

Very Respectfully

RANGERMG

Tim

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post-300-0-34997300-1291479479_thumb.jpg

I got this new deodorant stick today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

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post-300-0-34997300-1291479479_thumb.jpg

I got this new deodorant stick today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

post-300-0-83298700-1291479708_thumb.jpg

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Aloha Garimpo,

HAHA! got my keyboard protector on so this time I didnt mess up my keyboard.:rasberry:

You start out my day with a good laugh each time dude. Keep it up!!:whoope:

Aloha,

Stan aka Ka'imi

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The Talking Centipede

A

single guy decided life would be more fun

if

he had a pet.

So he

went to the pet store

and

told the owner

that

he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After

some discussion,

he

finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged

bug),

which

came in a little white box

to

use for his house.

He

took the box back home,

found

a good spot for the box,

and

decided he would start off

by

taking his new pet

to

church with him.

So he

asked the centipede in the box,

"Would

you like to go

to

church with me today?

We

will have a good time."

But

there was no answer

from

his new pet.

This

bothered him a bit,

but

he waited a few minutes

and

then asked again,

"How about

going

to

church with me

and

receive blessings?"

But

again,

there

was no answer

from

his new friend and pet.

So

he waited

a

few minutes more,

thinking

about the situation.

The

guy decided

to

invite the centipede

one

last time.

This

time

he

put his face up against

the

centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in

there!

Would

you like to go

to

church with me

and

learn about God?"

...

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ....

This

time,

a

little voice

came

out of the box,

"I

heard you the first F****** time!

I'm putting my shoes on!"

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How about this one? I'll tell you who sang it. Johnny cash. Think about the day after you have eaten a fiery, flaming, scorching chili bowl.

Name the tune?

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Aloha,

Dude! That is much too easy!! Burning Ring of Fire is the answer.

Of course a round ice cube would help just about then.:rasberry:

Aloha.

Stan aka Ka'imi

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Dealing with Stress

I am not exactly sure how it works, but this is amazingly accurate:

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

post-300-0-29196900-1291832315_thumb.jpg

No need to reply, I'll be on vacation!!!!

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Don

I see two perfect Dolphins..........Now what :zapped:

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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Threat levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"

to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's

get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the

reason they have been used on the front lines of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in

France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by

a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"

to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels:

"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes

on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more

level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"

to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:

"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and

"The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use

of the final escalation level.

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