Weird $tuff

[garimpo 2,295]

Terry sit the coffee down....

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom

door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter

with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you

doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years

old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as

I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and

leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz

coming from the other side of the closed bedroom

door. Upon entering the room, he observed his

daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter

said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this

thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a

husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a

shopping trip ,

placed the groceries on the kitchen

counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,

of all places, the living room. She entered that

area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,

downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing

like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my

son-in-law.'

[Terry Soloman 948]

OMG! That is hilarious! :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: Even the wife is LHAO! :whoope: Terry

Terry sit the coffee down....

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my

son-in-law.'

[garimpo 2,295]

COUNTRY DOCTOR

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

[garimpo 2,295]

Paddy has been arrested again for punching his wife.

The judge asked him "Why do you keep beating her?"

Paddy replied "I think its my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".

[Johnno 64]

Military Preparing for An End to 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm

going to change my last name to Stains.

My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.

G'Day Don

Now that was funny! I always wanted a dog named Stains, so I could always yell out "Come Stains"

[garimpo 2,295]

Don't forget the laundromat at the Nevada Chicken Ranch an everyday

battle with Ho Stains!!!

[Miner Matt 0]

Yesterday my wife asked why

I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center

And hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night

I told her that I had Re-joined a Parachute Club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're 65 years old

And you're going to start

Jumping out of airplanes again?"

I proudly showed her

That I even got a membership card!

She said to me, "You idiot!

Where are your glasses?

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club,

Not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen

Is not getting any easier!

[Au Seeker 3,153]

OOOOOOPPSSS!!! :hahaha: :hahaha:

WELL HAVE FUN MATT!!

Don't forget to pack the chute!!!

Skip

[garimpo 2,295]

MM did you happen to get their email address for a membership drive?

Skip that was good!!!!

[Johnno 64]

G'Day Everyone

We all know what it's like to poop out in the desert looking for that elusive gold. But I also understand that a lot of you work office jobs and have to deal with a new set of rules, so I hope this helps.

Cheers

Johnno

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we

try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For

those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for

having a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office

so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but

doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not

stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to

make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before

pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the

bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going

into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at

the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by

a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not

acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to

the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an

escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing

makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a

machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a

hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until

everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what

just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the

poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to

stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the

WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door

after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable

moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to

pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can

be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work

and is dang proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper

enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before

entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who

band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.

This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet

Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere

in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are

predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper

of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are

in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most

shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at

work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.

This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be

used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The

Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert

potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove

all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the

bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud

splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing

incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See

CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud

splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using

a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to

linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time

in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it

difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to

poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other

bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable

part of life.

[RANGERMG 0]

Johnno

ROFLMAO :hahaha: ... Thanks that was funny as hell, hope you don't mind I sent it to the guys I used to work with at the State... I know for a fact that a few of them have been using the old Crop Dusting technique for years ...LOL

Very Respectfully

RANGERMG

Tim

[garimpo 2,295]

Texas Bank Robber

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and

pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer

without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking

straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared,

looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly

afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his

head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

[Johnno 64]

Having Italian in my blood, I thought you might enjoy

Cheers

Johnno

[garimpo 2,295]

Look at your zipper See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida

Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.

[Kaimi 29]

Aloha guys,

Well it sure looks like Johnno and Garimpo have waaaay to much free time to come up with all these hilaroius quips. :hahaha:

You guys need to get out and go find some gold! :blink:

I am saying this because I cant keep on cleaning the pepsi or coffee off my keyboard every time I read your guys jokes.:shrug:

Aloha and be safe out there.

Stan aka Ka'imi

PS: Anyone know where I can find a fitted protector for a toshiba satellite laptop?

[garimpo 2,295]

Hi Kaimi....haven't heard from you for awhile...hope all is well...how's our

favorite "sister"?

[garimpo 2,295]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned

on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet,

and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and

we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the

cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want

the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife

doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just

going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as

we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke

her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so

I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her

from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw

her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Kaimi 29]

Aloha Garimpo,

I finally stopped by a place here in Vegas called The Laptop doctor and bought a protective cover for my laptop. So now you and Terry can "bring it on" with all the jokes. No more worrying about spitting up coffee or pepsi on my laptop keyboard.

BTW: I usually forward the best ones to my "Sister" and she tells them at the dinner table on friday nites. I just got back from a trip to the convent and had the pleasure of dinning with some 80+ year old nuns who just think you guys are soooooo cute with the jokes. :hmmmmm: If they only knew!

Keep em coming guys.

Aloha and be safe as usual.

Stan aka Ka'imi:olddude:

[garimpo 2,295]

Obama angry at South Carolina

Charleston, SC

Obama says he will be making no more public speeches in South Carolina . . . He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech there, those South Carolina cotton farmers start bidding on him.

[Au Seeker 3,153]

That's true Don, I even had a bid in at one of his speeches, but I got outbidded, just as well though the Secret Service got him out just before the bidding was over, everyone was in an uproar over him leaving before the bidding was over, the gall some people have to leave in the middle of the bidding like that, good riddance is what I say!!! :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha:

Skip

[garimpo 2,295]

40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

[garimpo 2,295]

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

Wonder how they know that!!!???

[garimpo 2,295]

For Kaimi and our Sisters....

The New Priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four

pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first

now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more

beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in

that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of

Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too

far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled

since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'

[garimpo 2,295]

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen phoned her Doctor’s office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is

marked 'NO REFILLS'."

[garimpo 2,295]

On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.