garimpo 2,295 Posted October 26, 2010 Author Share Posted October 26, 2010 Terry sit the coffee down....THE VIBRATORAs a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroomdoor, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming fromwithin. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five yearsold, unmarried, and this thing is about as close asI'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away andleave me alone.'The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzzcoming from the other side of the closed bedroomdoor. Upon entering the room, he observed hisdaughter making passionate love to her vibrator.To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and thisthing is about as close as I'll ever get to ahusband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'A couple days later, the wife came home from ashopping trip ,placed the groceries on the kitchencounter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,of all places, the living room. She entered thatarea and observed her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzinglike crazy.The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with myson-in-law.' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Terry Soloman 948 Posted October 26, 2010 Share Posted October 26, 2010 OMG! That is hilarious! :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: Even the wife is LHAO! :whoope: TerryTerry sit the coffee down....The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with myson-in-law.' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 COUNTRY DOCTOR A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?' As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?''I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.''Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.' Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?' 'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted October 30, 2010 Author Share Posted October 30, 2010 Paddy has been arrested again for punching his wife.The judge asked him "Why do you keep beating her?"Paddy replied "I think its my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Johnno 64 Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Military Preparing for An End to 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains.My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.G'Day DonNow that was funny! I always wanted a dog named Stains, so I could always yell out "Come Stains" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 Don't forget the laundromat at the Nevada Chicken Ranch an everydaybattle with Ho Stains!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Miner Matt 0 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Yesterday my wife asked whyI didn't do something useful with my time.She suggested I go down to the senior centerAnd hang out with the guys.I did this and when I got home last nightI told her that I had Re-joined a Parachute Club.She said "Are you nuts? You're 65 years oldAnd you're going to startJumping out of airplanes again?"I proudly showed herThat I even got a membership card!She said to me, "You idiot!Where are your glasses?This is a membership to a Prostitute Club,Not a Parachute Club!"I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!I signed up for five jumps a week!Life as a senior citizenIs not getting any easier! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Au Seeker 3,153 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 OOOOOOPPSSS!!! :hahaha: :hahaha: WELL HAVE FUN MATT!! Don't forget to pack the chute!!! Skip Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 MM did you happen to get their email address for a membership drive?Skip that was good!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Johnno 64 Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 G'Day EveryoneWe all know what it's like to poop out in the desert looking for that elusive gold. But I also understand that a lot of you work office jobs and have to deal with a new set of rules, so I hope this helps.CheersJohnnoHOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work. CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is dang proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RANGERMG 0 Posted November 2, 2010 Share Posted November 2, 2010 JohnnoROFLMAO :hahaha: ... Thanks that was funny as hell, hope you don't mind I sent it to the guys I used to work with at the State... I know for a fact that a few of them have been using the old Crop Dusting technique for years ...LOLVery RespectfullyRANGERMGTim Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 2, 2010 Author Share Posted November 2, 2010 Texas Bank Robber A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?' There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Johnno 64 Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 Having Italian in my blood, I thought you might enjoy CheersJohnno Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 3, 2010 Author Share Posted November 3, 2010 Look at your zipper See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kaimi 29 Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 Aloha guys,Well it sure looks like Johnno and Garimpo have waaaay to much free time to come up with all these hilaroius quips. :hahaha: You guys need to get out and go find some gold! :blink: I am saying this because I cant keep on cleaning the pepsi or coffee off my keyboard every time I read your guys jokes.:shrug: Aloha and be safe out there.Stan aka Ka'imiPS: Anyone know where I can find a fitted protector for a toshiba satellite laptop? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 3, 2010 Author Share Posted November 3, 2010 Hi Kaimi....haven't heard from you for awhile...hope all is well...how's our favorite "sister"? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turnedon a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet,and put the cat in the backyard.We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived andwe opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, thecat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't wantthe cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wifedoesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's justgoing upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, aswe drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to pokeher ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, soI grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep herfrom scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threwher out into the back yard!'The cab driver hit a parked car. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kaimi 29 Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Aloha Garimpo,I finally stopped by a place here in Vegas called The Laptop doctor and bought a protective cover for my laptop. So now you and Terry can "bring it on" with all the jokes. No more worrying about spitting up coffee or pepsi on my laptop keyboard.BTW: I usually forward the best ones to my "Sister" and she tells them at the dinner table on friday nites. I just got back from a trip to the convent and had the pleasure of dinning with some 80+ year old nuns who just think you guys are soooooo cute with the jokes. :hmmmmm: If they only knew!Keep em coming guys.Aloha and be safe as usual.Stan aka Ka'imi:olddude: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 Obama angry at South Carolina Charleston, SCObama says he will be making no more public speeches in South Carolina . . . He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech there, those South Carolina cotton farmers start bidding on him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Au Seeker 3,153 Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 That's true Don, I even had a bid in at one of his speeches, but I got outbidded, just as well though the Secret Service got him out just before the bidding was over, everyone was in an uproar over him leaving before the bidding was over, the gall some people have to leave in the middle of the bidding like that, good riddance is what I say!!! :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: Skip Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Share Posted November 5, 2010 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 8, 2010 Author Share Posted November 8, 2010 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. Wonder how they know that!!!??? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 10, 2010 Author Share Posted November 10, 2010 For Kaimi and our Sisters....The New PriestThe elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first fourpews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills firstnow.'The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little morebeat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought inthat Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas ofYouth.''All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone toofar with the Drive-thru Confessional.' 'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubledsince I began that!''Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 12, 2010 Author Share Posted November 12, 2010 THE OLDER CROWD A distraught senior citizen phoned her Doctor’s office."Is it true," she wanted to know,"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?""Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garimpo 2,295 Posted November 15, 2010 Author Share Posted November 15, 2010 On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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