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Rodd depending on the operating system you have on the computer...

my XP Pro had a very good simple re-sizing program but now this

new W7 has one when I can find it...to many features since I'm

computer challenged....also your digital camera should have a

setting for smaller or larger pics...I'm still learning my new

camera but I usually have them set on 380x640mp or something close

to that...if you can do the setting in the camera your worries are

over when posting...

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Don

Thanx I got it now,did you see the pics I posted on the Mining topic

it was supposed to be on sharing finds>>

Rodd

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Letter to husband aka just wait until you get here!!!

:

My darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it is not too bad and I did not get hurt, so please do not worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately, the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XXX

post-300-030051600 1282148802_thumb.jpg

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

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Damm for a minute there I thought that was Eldorado's house then I remembered that his Vette is yellow :whaaaa: , I'm not to sure that the husband will be all that forgiving!!! :nono: :*&$*(: :*&$*(:

Skip

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A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing land mines that look like

prayer mats...... Apparently Prophets are going through the roof. ;)

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A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to

his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed

with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he

was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a

sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off

his legs.'

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Ace Plumbing??? I forgot to ask about the warranty on the stool repair this morning...

post-300-037303400 1282654882_thumb.jpg

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Getting old is bad enough but think about your kids Skip when their our age...all they

will have for golden oldies is "rap"....that is miserable stuff now and can only get

worse with age...

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Getting old is bad enough but think about your kids Skip when their our age...all they

will have for golden oldies is "rap"....that is miserable stuff now and can only get

worse with age...

Don,

Thank God that my kids don't like rap, and they actually like a lot of the older Rock and Roll, but they can't stand it when I get up and dance and sing along, I can't understand why!! :olddude: :whaaaa: :whaaaa: :hahaha: :hahaha:

They try to get me to promise not to do that in front of their friends, but I haven't yet, I got to have something to keep them in line!! :inocent:

Skip

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Don,

Thank God that my kids don't like rap, and they actually like a lot of the older Rock and Roll, but they can't stand it when I get up and dance and sing along, I can't understand why!! :olddude: :whaaaa: :whaaaa: :hahaha: :hahaha:

They try to get me to promise not to do that in front of their friends, but I haven't yet, I got to have something to keep them in line!! :inocent:

Skip

No hard feelings pal but I kinda side with the kids after hearing "the rest of the story"!!!

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Letter from a red neck mother...

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

=

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A thank you from #1 momma...

To my public,

For only the second time in my adult life, I am not ashamed of my country. I want to thank the hard working American people for paying $242 thousand dollars plus additional expenses for my vacation in Spain. My daughter Sasha, several longtime family friends, my personal staff and various guests had a wonderful time. Honestly, you just haven't lived until you have stayed in a $2,500.00 per night suite at a 5-Star luxury hotel. We only booked 70 rooms for our friends, staff and family. Thank you also for the use of Air Force 2 and the 70 Secret Service personnel who tagged along to be sure we were safe and cared for at all times.

Air Force 2 only used 47,500 gallons of jet fuel for this trip and carbon emissions were a mere 1,031 tons of CO2. It cost only $11,500 per hour to operate Air Force 2 and each additional plane for the other members of our party. These are only rough estimates, but they are close (who's counting?). That's quite a carbon footprint as my good friend Al Gore would say, so we must ask the American citizens to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and drive less too, so we can lessen our combined carbon footprint.

I know times are hard and millions of you are struggling to put food on the table and trying to make ends meet. I do appreciate your sacrifice and hope you find work soon. I was really exhausted after Barack took our family on a luxury vacation in Maine a few weeks ago. I just had to get away for a few days. Will write more from Martha's Vineyard where we will spend our sixth vacation this year with more of our family and friends.

Cordially,

M. Obama

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The Old Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!!'

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile

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No thanks...my steak is so tender I don't need a knife!!!

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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God

she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well

make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from

the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had

another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!!”

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a

successful man is usually another woman. :blink:

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Golfers honeymoon....

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ...'Look at this, still in the CRATE!'

=

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Aloha Garimpo,

Dude, that one is so funny I actually blew coffee thru my nose.:zapped: dang You!! Now I have to work at cleaning up my keyboard.:angry:

That will teach me to drink and read any of your posts in the future.:shrug:

Aloha and keep em coming.

Stan aka Ka'imi

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