Weird $tuff

[garimpo 2,301]

24 Hours To Live

 

Dave returned from a Doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the Doctor told him he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. 

 

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die?' 

 

She sleepily agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell fast asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. 

 

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up and whispered: 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?' 

 

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!'  

[BMc 1,048]

Apparently,  'Old Dave was up already.  Now we know what killed him! 

[garimpo 2,301]

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING 

 

Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 

 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." 

 

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.

[garimpo 2,301]

City Of Chicago Math Test-cleaned up, have to read between the lines. 

 

Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! It's about time!

 

NAME: _________________________________   AGE: __________

 

GANG/CREW NAME: _______________________ CRIB: _________________

 

 

1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 2030-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon hit before he reloads?

 

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his $tuff?

 

3. Dwayne hires 3 girl's. If the price is $85 per hour, how many hours per day must each girl turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?

 

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

 

5. Desmond get $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have 9000 bills?

 

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

 

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

 

8. Tyrone locked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of girls Tyrone locked up?

 

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and the cost be $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

[garimpo 2,301]

First Blond Guy Joke 

 

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! 

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were  doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. 

 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' 

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' 

 

The blond e opened his lunch and s aid, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' 

 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 

 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. 

 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. 

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' 

 

The Mexican's! wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' 

 

(Oh this is GOOD!!)? 

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'

[garimpo 2,301]

Bad Eyesight

 

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. 

 

One day he arrives home looking downcast. 

 

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." 

 

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." 

 

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." 

 

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." 

 

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with  his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. 

 

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" 

 

"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." 

 

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur. 

 

"I don't remember." 

[garimpo 2,301]

Subject: The Dreaded Phone Call

My boss phoned me today.    

He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

 

[garimpo 2,301]

After my prostate exam the doctor left and the nurse came in.....

as she shut the door whe whispered three words no man wants to hear....

                          " WHO WAS THAT?"

[garimpo 2,301]

On Marriage

 

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

 

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65- YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS ..'

 

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

 

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

[azdigger 1,474]

[garimpo 2,301]

            A Brazil Restaurant Visit....

 

Last week, I took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Igor's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon  in his shirt pocket.

   

It seemed a little strange.

   

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

   

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why  the spoon?''

   

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.

   

After several months of  analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

   

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

   

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.

    

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead  of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

   

I was impressed.

 

After paying I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

   

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

   

So, before he walked off, I asked the  waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that  string right there?'

 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in  the restroom.

   

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

   

I asked quietly,  'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

   

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[garimpo 2,301]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.  John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

H A P P Y    T H A N K S G I V I N G !!

[garimpo 2,301]

A Retiree's response to often asked question!

    My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"

    I said, "Nothing."

    She said, "You did that yesterday."

    I said, "I wasn't finished."

[garimpo 2,301]

Worst Age

Sixty is the worst age to be." said the 60-year old man.  "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'." said the 70-year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore.  You take laxatives, eat bran, and sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap  every morning at 6:30.  So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00." 
 

[azdigger 1,474]

80 year old man goes into the pharmacy with a prescription for Viagra , He ask the pharmicist if he can cut the pills in to 1/4's.. He told the man that only taking 1/4 a pill is not going to give an erection. The old man said, At 80 I don't want one, I just want it to stand out enough I don't pee on my slippers in the morning.

[garimpo 2,301]

OVER SIXTIES QUIZ

 

GREAT MENTAL EXERCISE FOR THE OVER-60 CROWD.

 

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING NAMES ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH?

 

1.      MONICA                LEWINSKY

 

2.      SPIRO                     AGNEW

 

3.      BENITO                MUSSOLINI

 

4.      ADOLF                  HITLER

 

5.      JORGE                   BERGOGLIO

 

6.      ALFONSE             CAPONE

 

7.      VLADIMIR            PUTIN

 

8.      LINDA                   LOVELACE

 

9.      SADDAM              HUSSEIN

 

10.   TIGER                    WOODS

 

 

YOU HAD TROUBLE WITH NO.5 - JORGE BERGOGLIO,   DIDN'T YOU?

 

YOU KNOW ALL THE LIARS, CRIMINALS, ADULTERERS, MURDERERS,

THIEVES, SLUTS AND CHEATERS, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THE POPE??

 

LOVELY, JUST LOVELY...

 

[homefire 2,581]

What's the deal with any and all photo's you try to post ?  They always show up with some off the wall never seen before Icon of sorts ?  Do you guys use some Propitiatory Systems down there ?

[garimpo 2,301]

Homey I don't have a clue what's going on. The post are good but then somewhere along the line they leave. 

It's  possible that some of the owners of the original photo prohibits them being seen out of the USA. I've run into that several times. 

Let me add that I can see them down here but the problem is when I try to post them from here. It's a weird deal. 

 

[garimpo 2,301]

Just A Tap on the Shoulder

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the driver, while still shaking said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
 

[garimpo 2,301]

Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME-SCHOOLED in many ways.  1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.  "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."  2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."  3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"  4. My father taught me LOGIC.  " Because I said so, that's why   ."  5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."  6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."  7. My father taught me IRONY.  "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."  8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.  "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."  9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.  "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"  10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.  "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."  11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.  "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."  12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.  "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"  13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.  "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."  14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .  "Stop acting like your father!"  15. My mother taught me about ENVY.  "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."  16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.  "Just wait until we get home."  17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.  "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"  18   . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.  "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."  19. My mother taught me ESP.  "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"  20. My father taught me HUMOR.  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."  21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.  "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."  22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  "You're just like your father."  23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.  "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"  24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.  25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .  "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"  This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents.

[garimpo 2,301]

How are a Texas tornado and a Oklahoma divorce the same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[garimpo 2,301]

[azdigger 1,474]

We can only wish

[garimpo 2,301]

Pelosi Parade

 

An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night.

 

There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi.

 

Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past.

 

Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen.

 

Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great!

 

By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair OK?"

Her friend said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."

[garimpo 2,301]

Here's something I ran across this AM: my town

https://www.google.com/search?q=when+is+birthday+of+Uruacu,Goias,Brazil&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiLxK_o7prjAhWWK80KHaNYC8EQ7Al6BAgHEA0&biw=853&bih=407