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Why Southern California is Different From The Rest of America   You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowbo

Okay, my turn.  This is an old one. So, a nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a yarmulke and beard. He doesn't have to be an Einst

Posted Images

                                           HERE YA GOGH     

Van Gogh's Family Tree ...
His dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N. Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -- Where Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -- A. Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way To Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh
.....And there ya Gogh!


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The Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,   "It's the druggist.  He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call
 multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,   "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

 "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."  "When I finally got to the store a bunch
 of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
 a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.   And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
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A little girl was talking to her father.  "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"The whole ISIS group," she says.
"Why them?" her father asks in shock.
 "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.  And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot.  And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of them." 
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                                                                                                           TREE HUGGER IN IT



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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.  He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.  Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.  So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.  Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."Dr. Young:  Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from 
box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You've got your memory back.  That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young:  "My eyesight has become weak --- 

I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer:  "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill).


Dr. Young:  "But this is only $10!"


Dr. Geezer:  "Congratulations!  You got your 

vision back!  That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"!


Remember:  Don't make old people mad.

 We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.


P.S. Written in BOLD print for Old Geezers.

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13 hours ago, weaver hillbille said:

 You sure that's the right word?DGvNO5dXsAIy8G-.jpg

Spell Check Strikes Again !

Edited by homefire
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How Men Think (Alaska Edition) ...
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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Mysterious Sounds ...
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.  
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says, "My car broke down.  Do you think I could stay the night:"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.  A sound not like anything he has ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.  He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.  You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monestary and pleads for the answer again. 
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you.  You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.  When you find these answers you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of  the monestary.  A Monk answers.  He is taken before a gathering of  the Monks.
In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for."
"By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.  Only God knows what you ask.  All a man can know is himself and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The  Monks reply, "Congratulations.  You have become a Monk.  We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head Monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key and he opens the door. 
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it only to find a door made of ruby. 
And so it went that he needed keys to  doors of  emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally they come to a door made of sold gold.  The sound has become very clear and definite.  The Monk says, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.  His life's wish is behind the door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob and slowly pushes the door open.  Falling to his knees he is utterly amazed to discover the source of the haunting and seductive sound.
But I can't tell you because you're not a Monk.
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                                                                      Actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona...
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Unfortunately I was introduced to that procedure about age 10.    Used it more then a few times on my sons over the years following that.  Some times pushing the Hook through is not a option. 

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Enough is Enough....
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
"In front of you?" He asks shyly.
The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.”
"Okay  then," said the patient, and he proceeded to  drop  his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest  adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.  Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could. 
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room. 
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He would have had me on the corners where he kicked up the dirt with the trunk hanging WAY OVER the cliff edge! Other than that it was a fun ride ... still would need a change of clothes up on top!

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1 hour ago, garimpo said:

Victim Card.jpg

Don is it just on my end or...??

All I see on any of your posts lately here in your section is that X or is it crosshairs???

Does anyone else see anything other than the X....??

Your post in Friday Night Tunes is OK, but nothing here in your section so far lately.

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