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My Workshop Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 c ent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC''S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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Your discription of above said tools is of profound basis. It sounds like you have been in my garage, that is before the kids brought back to us all the things they wanted to keep. :laught16::laught16: Of course now my garage is full and my tools, who knows. Kids keep telling me I should clean the garage :Huh_anim]: :confused0013: I just don't get it so after a very good :laught16::laught16::laught16::laught16: spell, I think I'll have a :coffeetime: :coffeetime: and finish reading.

Ol'29er :coffeetime: :laught16:

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Morning Bob :coffeetime: :coffeetime: ..me too...ever wonder why when a kid wants to fix some

thing they head for our garage?...no wonder..after years of "collecting" our garages are stocked

like a mini Home Depot.....and then there's the "clean"..."clean"..."clean" phrase that we hear

from you know who..WIVES...don't they have enough rooms to worry about without bothering

our "play room"?....here's something that may come in handy in the future....


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Back home we regard it as a shed and every boy needs his shed and it's messy, but I know where everything is. And you need a GPS and a full suit of armor to navigate yourself around. Nobody wants to go in there, too dangerous. But last night, Kat said there was some scratching at the door, so I opened it up and standing there in all it's glory was a big fat possum. So I left the door open, told him he better not be here when I come back in half an hour. He was gone.



"Every Australian Boy Needs a Shed"

Hey, did you ever wake up in the morning

On the wrong side of the bed

I bit confused and yawning

You go straight out the back to your shed

Yeah, all Australian boys need a shed

A place where he can go, somewhere to clear his head

To think about the things his woman said

Yeah, all Australian boys need a shed

A joint to learn to read an' write, to work on his bike at night

To grow up as he likes, to grow anything under lights

A place to keep his tools, nuts and bolts and drills

To hang a hide, to hide the dry or hang to pay the bills

Well my old shed, she leaks a bit, the roof is caving in

Nothing that a bloke can't fix with a few spare sheets of tin

The beams are old telegraph poles, white ants have eaten them

She creaks and sways on windy days and leans towards the sound

Yeah, all Australian boys need a shed

At the back of the shed where the dogs are fed near last years bails of lucern

Sticky tall green leaves came up from thrown out seeds

All it took was bantam poop, I watered 'em once and they grew some

They should be prime 'bout Easter time if no nosy neighbour steals 'em

Yeah, all Australian boys need a shed

To weld up broken gates, a place for all his mates

To come 'round Sunday arvo' for a gin

A place to make a racket, to find the pipe and pack it

To think about the things his woman said

Yeah, all Australian boys need a shed

Yeah, all Australian boys need a shed

Yeah, all Australian boys need a shed

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Very Well "PUT" :laught16::laught16:


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