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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

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On Modern Medicine

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked.

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

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The Beginning

On August 5th, 1620, the Mayflower and the Speedwell set sail from Southampton, England, for the Hudson River, in what is now New York.

Not long after they departed, the Speedwell began to leak and the ships were forced to stop in Dartmouth, England, for repairs. On August 21st, they left again, only to have new leaks force them to return to England once more, this time to Plymouth. There it was decided that the Speedwell could not be made seaworthy for such a voyage.

On September 6th, the Mayflower again set sail for the New World, this time alone. There were 102 passengers on board, most of whom were Pilgrims fleeing religious persecution.

For 2 ½ months, the passengers and crew endured cold, sickness, bad food, leaks that threatened to scuttle the ship and storms that blew them far off course, before landing at what is now Provincetown, on Cape Cod, on November 21st. After determining that the area was not suitable for settlement, they landed at what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts, on December 21st.

Despite the hardships, it was a successful crossing for that time in history, as only one person died. Nearly a year later, the Pilgrims celebrated a good harvest with the first Thanksgiving in the New World.

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Update on my return from Okla.....40 hrs. enroute is a long time...

9 hr layover in San Paulo....

I approached a hooker...she said she had a headache...

went to a massage parlor next door...it was self-service....

if it wasn't for the pick-pockets I wouldn't have had any sex at all!!!!! :wub:

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My Threesome

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 65-year-old.

We drank a bit, and things progressed rather nicely and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that? " I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome, " she said. I said, "No. "

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place.

She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake? "

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My Threesome

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 65-year-old.

We drank a bit, and things progressed rather nicely and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that? " I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome, " she said. I said, "No. "

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place.

She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake? "

just wrong in so many ways

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You're An EXTREME Redneck When .....

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. :baaasmiley:

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The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

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Oklahoma a mystery to many Americans

By Jeff Mullin - Commentary

If someone mentions California, what do you think of? Hollywood, L.A., crowded freeways, beaches and Arnold Schwarzenneger? California, of course, is so much more than that. How about Maine? I think of cold weather, people with funny accents and lobsters. What if someone brings up Idaho. Does it bring to mind potatoes?

When people hear the name of our state, it seems the first thing that comes to mind is not Oklahoma, but "Oklahoma!" The 1943 musical, the first for Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein, is the first thing

most people in America think of when they hear about the Sooner State.

Having people associate our state with a beloved musical is certainly better than some alternatives, like rednecks and tornadoes, but it certainly isn't representative of today's Oklahoma.

"Oklahoma!" is a delight. The story of cowboys and farmers finding love in Oklahoma territory features classic music and ground-breaking choreography, including the dream ballet illustrating Laurey's

difficulty in choosing a suitor between cowboy Curley and farmhand Jud Fry. It also gave us our state song, which never fails to bring Oklahomans to their feet, which can prove a bit unnerving for performers in touring versions of the show who, during stops in Oklahoma, must deal with a standing ovation before the final curtain comes down. "Oklahoma!" is a classic of American musical theater and deserves its place in the pantheon of enduring entertainment treasures.

It is not, however, an accurate indication of where our state has been, is today and is going.

Oklahoma is not only the home of Ado Annie and Aunt Eller but of the aerosol can. That wonder of the age was invented in Bartlesville. Oklahoma City is the home of the parking meter, while the shopping cart was born in Ardmore. The electric guitar also was invented in Oklahoma, by a Beggs musician named Bob Dunn. The first "Yield" sign was installed in Tulsa.

The state has more man-made lakes than any other state, which give us more than a million surface-acres of water and 2,000 more miles of shoreline than the Atlantic and Gulf coasts combined.

The Sooner State has produced more astronauts than any other state in the union. Owen Garriott is a hometown Enid boy, of course, while Tom Stafford is from Weatherford, Shannon Lucid from Oklahoma City,

William Pogue from Okemah and the late Gordon Cooper from Shawnee.

Oklahoma is home to Amateur Softball Association, Sonic restaurants and more F4 and F5 tornadoes than any other state.

Oklahoma is the third-largest gas-producing state in the nation and ranks fourth in the production of wheat, cattle and calves, fifth in the production of pecans, sixth in peanuts and eighth in peaches.

The state's colors are neither the crimson and cream of the University of Oklahoma nor the orange and black of Oklahoma State but green and white.

The Environmental Protection Agency recognizes Oklahoma as having the most diverse terrain of any state in the nation. The state, according to the EPA, boasts 11 distinct ecoregions, one of only four states to have more than 10.

Oklahomans practice 73 major religions. The largest is the Southern Baptist Convention, with nearly 1,600 church and more than 960,000 members.

Oklahoma gave birth to Dick Tracy (cartoonist Chester Gould is a native of Pawnee) and Donald Duck (Clarence "Ducky" Nash, the original voice of Walt Disney's Donald, grew up in Watonga).

Oklahomans have survived the Dust Bowl, any number of killer tornadoes, the 1995 bombing of Oklahoma City's Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building and various oil booms and busts. Oklahoma is populated by people who are caring, giving, hard-working, patriotic and fiercely independent. Oklahoma is a good place to live, work and play.

An update from Oklahoma :

Oklahoma law passed, 37 to 9, had a few liberals in the mix, an amendment

to place the Ten Commandments on the front entrance to the state capitol.

The feds in D.C., along with the ACLU, said it would be a mistake. Hey

this is a conservative state, based on Christian values...! HB 1330

Guess what.......... Oklahoma did it anyway.

Oklahoma recently passed a law in the state to incarcerate all illegal

immigrants, and ship them back to where they came from unless they want

to get a green card and become an American citizen. They all scattered.

HB 1804. Hope we didn't send any of them to your state. This was

against the advice of the Federal Government, and the ACLU, they said it

would be a mistake.

Guess what.......... Oklahoma did it anyway.

Recently we passed a law to include DNA samples from any and all illegals

to the Oklahoma database, for criminal investigative purposes. Pelosi

said it was unconstitutional. SB 1102

Guess what........ Oklahoma did it anyway.

Several weeks ago, we passed a law, declaring Oklahoma as a Sovereign

state, not under the Federal Government directives. Joining Texas ,

Montana and Utah as the only states to do so. More states are likely to

follow: Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, the Carolina's, Tennessee,

Kentucky, Missouri, Arkansas, West Virginia, Mississippi, Florida. Save

your confederate money, it appears the South is about to rise up once

again. HJR 1003

The federal Government has made bold steps to take away our guns.

Oklahoma, a week ago, passed a law confirming people in this state have

the right to bear arms and transport them in their vehicles. I'm sure

that was a set back for the criminals (and Obamaites). Liberals didn't

like it -- But ...

Guess what........... Oklahoma did it anyway.

By the way, Obama does not like any of this.

Guess what....who cares... Oklahoma is doing it anyway.

To Verify:

http://newsok.com/oklahoma-state-capitol-to-display-ten-commandments/arti

cle/3370730

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-01-09-immigcover_N.htm

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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

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SOME GREAT COME-BACKS!!!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight

Attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat

And flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your

Stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she

Couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding

Rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a

Ticket.

SMART

ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:

Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and

His truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police

Car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his

Hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of

Gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I

Won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might consider a

Nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your

Immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What

Would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter

Sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and

Snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her

Head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your

Other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she

Sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I

Really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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The Confession

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

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For those of us that like to hear what happened to Flt. 1549 before it went into

the Hudson river here is a great version...with audio from the cockpit to the

air traffic controlers....

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PSA:

post-300-126028940783_thumb.jpg

A few days ago, a person was recharging his mobile phone at home.

Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the

Instrument still connected to the outlet.

post-300-126028946893_thumb.jpg

After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained

and the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud.

His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with

a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers.

post-300-126028951538_thumb.jpg

He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival.

Cell phones are a very useful modern invention.

post-300-126028959936_thumb.jpg

However, we must be aware that it can also be an instrument of death.

Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet!

FORWARD THIS TO THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER IN YOUR LIFE!!!!

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Tiger Jokes

What does a baby seal and Tiger Woods have in common? Both have been clubbed by a Norwegian.

What is Tiger's new name? Cheetah

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HISTORICAL TRIVIA....

Print ShareThisSAGINAW, Mich — Robert G. Heft, who is credited with designing and sewing the first 50-star American flag, has died. He was 67.

Wakeman Funeral Home says Heft died Saturday at a hospital in Saginaw. A cause of death wasn't immediately available.

Heft made the flag in 1958 as part of a high school history project in Lancaster, Ohio. He spent more than 12 hours sewing the design on his mother's Singer sewing machine.

President Dwight D. Eisenhower chose Heft's design to replace the 48-star flag.

Born in Saginaw, Heft left Michigan after his parents separated when he was about a year old. He returned after retiring from Northwest State Community College in Archbold, Ohio, where he was a professor.

Heft's death was first reported by WSGW-AM in Saginaw.

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A Brother Like That

Paul received an automobile from his brother as a Christmas present. On Christmas Eve when Paul came out of his office, a street urchin was walking around the shiny new car, admiring it.

"Is this your car, Mister?" he asked.

Paul nodded. "My brother gave it to me for Christmas." The boy was astounded. "You mean your brother gave it to you and it didn't cost you nothing? Boy, I wish..." He hesitated. Of course Paul knew what he was going to wish for. He was going to wish he had a brother like that. But what the lad said jarred Paul all the way down to his heels.

"I wish," the boy went on, "that I could be a brother like that."

Paul looked at the boy in astonishment, then impulsively he added, "Would you like to take a ride in my automobile?"

"Oh yes, I'd love that."

After a short ride, the boy turned and with his eyes aglow, said, "Mister, would you mind driving in front of my house?" Paul smiled a little. He thought he knew what the lad wanted. He wanted to show his neighbors that he could ride home in a big automobile. But Paul was wrong again.

"Will you stop where those two steps are?" the boy asked. He ran up the steps. Then in a little while Paul heard him coming back, but he was not coming fast. He was carrying his little crippled brother. He sat him down on the bottom step, then sort of squeezed up against him and pointed to the car. "There she is, Buddy, just like I told you upstairs. His brother gave it to him for Christmas and it didn't cost him a cent. And some day I'm gonna give you one just like it... then you can see for yourself all the pretty things in the Christmas windows that I've been trying to tell you about."

Paul got out and lifted the lad to the front seat of his car. The shining-eyed older brother climbed in beside him and the three of them began a memorable holiday ride.

That Christmas Eve, Paul learned what Jesus meant when he had said: "It is more blessed to give..."

My Holiday Wish for the World Is That

We all Could Be Brothers Like That.

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What's the Difference Between Tiger and Santa?

Santa stops after 3 Ho's

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Oh that is just BAD! ... but ... you'll never guess ... yup coffee hit the desk at work! ... Good thing the computer was on the edge so I could spray my paperwork! :rasberry: :hahaha: :ROFL:

Mike F

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Mike you boys up North will appreciate this...

post-300-126091302222_thumb.jpg

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:hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha:

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"A Brother Like That" Garimpo, brought tears to my eyes. B)

So, I copied it and emailed it to 25 people. I said I got it from an Oklahoman in Brasil. Hope that's OK with you. Should have asked first, probably. It's that good!

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Glad you liked it Mike...got to me also...now 25 other

folks can enjoy a good feeling....

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Here's my Living Will...I copied it from Maxine's...

I,_ garimpo________________, being of sound mind(?) and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means..

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine

Margarita

Sex

Martini

Cold Beer

Chocolate

Mexican food

French fries

Pizza

Ice cream

Cup of coffee

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

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