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Another Olympic Moment ...
 
An Israeli and an Russian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
 
Before the final match, the Israeli wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.   Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold!   If he does, you're finished!"  
     
The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the Israeli and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the Israeli and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
     
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands -- he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air.  The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the Israeli collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
 
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the Israeli wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!  The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
     
"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"
    
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own testicles!"
     
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Ha! There probably aren't many Russian-Jewish jokes I haven't heard (my father's side of the family has a lengthy history with the Russians), but you found one that's new to me, Garimpo.  In keeping with the theme (sort of) ...

A Russian Jew wants to immigrate to America. The local commissar calls him in for questioning.

Commissar: Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in
your synagogue?
Jewish emigrant: I can't complain.

Commissar: Haven't we let you live in peace with your
fellow Jews?
Emigrant: I can't complain.

Commissar: Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within
and beyond the village?
Emigrant: I can't complain.

Commissar: Haven't we allowed you to teach your children
Torah?
Emigrant: I can't complain.

Commissar: Haven't we let you practice your profession?
Emigrant: I can't complain.

Commissar: Then why in the name of the Czar do you want to go to America?
Emigrant: There, I can complain!

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Church News

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. 

At the Baptist Church, squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. 

The Lutheran Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. 

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. 

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since!

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Ha!  Here another version of that one (and this might explain, in part, why my folks don't proselytize).

 

A priest, a pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another and they decided to perform an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Here's one for you, Garimpo ...

 

 

priestrabbi2.jpg

Edited by Saul R W
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Give it to me straight, Doc...
 
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
 
The doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, and then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.
 
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
 
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
 
She did as instructed.
 
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.
 
Finally he said, "OK, good. You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband.”
 
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax; there is nothing wrong with you.
 
I couldn't get one either."
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Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs
that most Americans are not willing to do.
 
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too
qualified for the job.  She has a liberal arts degree from the University of
Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
 
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
 
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."
 
She starts in the morning.
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The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
 
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short  time  later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
 
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes  routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,"  says the man.

"Same,"  says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When  I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and  offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would   just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money  would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want for as long as you  live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Sex in the Shower
 
In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
  
A huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. . . . The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.:inocent:
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As an EX correction officer....That makes me laugh.

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Senior Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly ----- wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? 
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

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Funny....I am 62

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AZ at 75 it ain't near as funny!:89:

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On Italians - Classic
 
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
 
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
 
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.
 
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
 
"Don't touch them!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
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Very Simple Home Remedies
 
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will remove itself.
 
 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
 
 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
 
 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use the timer.
 
 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
 
 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it does not move and should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and do, use the duct tape.
 
 8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKY'S. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
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The Wife's Hearing
 
Mike feared his wife Sarah wasn't hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing-aid.
 
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
 
The doctor told him that there is a simple informal test that he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
 
"Here's what you do" said the doctor.
 
"Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal. conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet , then 20 feet and so on until you get a response".
 
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den.
 
He says to himself, " I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks.
 
"Honey, what's for dinner?"   No response.
 
So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Sarah, what's for dinner?"
 
Still no response.
 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey what's for dinner?"
 
Again he gets no response.
 
So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  "Honey what's for dinner?"  Again there is no response
 
So he walks right up behind her.   "Sarah what's for dinner?"
 
I just love this!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"HOLY COW MIKE, for the fifth time.  CHICKEN!"
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Back In Church
 
Leroy gioes to church on Sunday morning, gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?' 
 
Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'
 
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leros head, lifts his eyes and head to the Heavens and prays and prays and prays.
 
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands,  stands back and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'
 
Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday.'
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