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Friday Night At The Pub ...
 
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making
biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. 
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the burly biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.'

'I can't stand to see a man crying.' 
 
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 
 
'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, -- and then you show up and drink the darn poison.' 
 
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More on Marriage ...
 
An attorney arrived home late, after an extremely stressful day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last plea to the governor had failed, and he was worn out and depressed.
 
As soon as he walked through the door, his wife started in on him about, "What time of night is this to be getting home?" "Where have  you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it"; and on and on.
 
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a double shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by additional sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told  that the governor had changed his mind. Her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution and would not be hanged that night.
 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of the rear of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs.
 
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. In response he whirled around and screamed, "GOOD LORD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP?!"
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THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW --- BUT PROBABLY DON'T
 
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
 
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (also used for rope and marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter I is called a "tittle."
 
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
 
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
 
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
 
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
 
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
 
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
 
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
 
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
 
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
 
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
 
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
 
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
 
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
 
17. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. (Hence, multitasking was invented.)
 
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood
 
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
 
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
 
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, Purple, and silver!
 
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
 
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
 
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
 
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19, you also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know).
 
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
 
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
 
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
 
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
 
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
 
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
 
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
 
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
 
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail."
 
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