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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.. :cigar:

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What was the best thing before sliced bread? :hmmmmmm:

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What is a Yankee?

Mike your gonna love this one....

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. :ROFL:

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:rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2: Dumped the coffee before it hit the table this time!

I love it! :whoopie: :bowdown: :woohoo:

Making a new cup now!

mike F

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best thing before sliced bread was/is BEER

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Oh no...your telling me I've been wrong all these years...I thought it was a water melon and

granola cocktail mix....

Know why it's called a "trail mix"?....because that's where the "mix" is usually

downloaded... :Huh_anim]:.. ....on the trail. :laught16:

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Served with a side roll ... toilet paper roll that is!

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Remember life is like a calendar....

our days are numbered..... :luck:

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Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

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Ain't that the truth!

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Here's another one Mike....

Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

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Or if sharp and/or pointy find and stick to the nearest toe! Ouch!!

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Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

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I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

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Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE

IT!!!

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THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER

HEMISPHERE

Burma Shave :evil1:

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AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!

'What powerful rivers!

'What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the

bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards

him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his

shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was

right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his

right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the

sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't

exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be

hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,

but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the

bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &

spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy

bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

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:laught16::laught16::laught16: :whoopie: :whoopie: :whoopie:

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Think about this folks....positive thinking.....

>

> R EAD THIS and LET IT REALLY SINK IN - THEN CHOOSE .

>

> John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood

> and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him

> how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be

> twins!'

>

>

>

> He was a natural motivator.

>

>

>

> If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the

> employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

>

>

>

> Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and

> asked him, 'I don't get it!

>

>

>

> You can't be a positive person all of the time How do you do it?'

>

>

>

> He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself,

> you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good

> mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood

>

>

>

> I choose to be in a good mood.'

>

>

> Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a

> victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn

> from it.

>

>

>

> Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to

> accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive

> side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

>

>

>

> 'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

>

>

>

>

> 'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about

> choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is

> a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose

> how people affect your mood.

>

>

>

> You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom

> line: It's your choice how you live your life.'

>

>

>

> I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the

> Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but

> I often thought about him when I made a choice about life

> instead of reacting to it.

>

>

>

> Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a

> serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications

> tower.

>

>

>

> After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he

> was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

>

>

>

>

> I saw him about six months after the accident.

>

>

>

> When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any

> better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?'

>

>

>

> I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had

> gone through his mind as the accident took place.

>

>

>

> 'The first thing that went through my mind was the

> well-being of my wife and family,' he replied.

> 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had

> two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to

> die. I chose to live.'

>

>

>

> 'Weren't you scared? Did you lose

> consciousness?' I asked

>

>

> He continued, '..the paramedics were great.

>

>

>

> They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they

> wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the

> faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In

> their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I

> needed to take action.'

>

>

>

> 'What did you do?' I asked.

>

>

> 'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions

> at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to

> anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses

> stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep

> breath and yelled, 'Gravity''

>

>

>

> Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to

> live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'

>

>

>

> He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also

> because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that

> every day we have the choice to live fully.

>

>

>

> Attitude, after all, is everything.

>

>

>

> Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will

> worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its

> own.'

>

>

>

> After all today is the tomorrow you worried about

> yesterday.

>

>

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Canadian Humor

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim.

Two drafts, please'.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

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Virginity like bubble,

one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car

get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car

get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket

feel cocky all day.

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Man who farts in boat

is new stink bait...

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