Jump to content
Nugget Shooter Forums
garimpo

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Recommended Posts

The Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a

question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a

bus, drove up over the kerb, and stopped just centimetres from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and

then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but

you scared living daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said

he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could

frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's

entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.' :yikes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group

of professionals built the Titanic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. :tisc-tisc:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed

pharmacist.' :nutty:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. :opps:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's a list of the minimum tools and their purpose that every man should have in his garage and or under the seat of his pick-up.

>>

>> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

>> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

>> flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical

>> stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could

>> get to it.

>>

>> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

>> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

>> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,

>> "Oh !@#$%!"

>>

>> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

>> holes until you die of old age.

>>

>> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short

>>

>> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

>> blood-blisters.

>>

>> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

>> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

>>

>> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

>> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

>> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

>> dismal your future becomes.

>>

>> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

>> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

>> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

>>

>> WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction

>> of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

>>

>> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

>> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

>> the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

>>

>> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

>> projectiles for testing wall integrity.

>>

>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

>> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle

>> firmly under the bumper.

>>

>> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward

>> off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

>>

>> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known

>> drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any

>> possible future use.

>>

>> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to

>> cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into

>> the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the

>> outside edge.

>>

>> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

>> everything you forgot to disconnect.

>>

>> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

>> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

>> opposite the handle.

>>

>> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

>>

>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

>> and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on

>> your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

>> Phillips screw heads.

>>

>> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

>> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

>>

>> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

>> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part (see

>> Craftsman screw driver).

>>

>> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

>>

>> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

>> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

>> adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also used to make you suck

>> your thumb after hitting it.

>>

>> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

>> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well

>> on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,

>> collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

>> Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

>>

>> And last but not least!

>>

>> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

>> while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? :confused0013:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

>

> She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

>

> Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

>

> Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

>

> Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

>

> And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Empty Store

Two Retired Marines in San Diego we

re sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't

ready, with no merchandise, only a few empty shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute

now some idiot sailor is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a crusty old Retired Navy Chief walked to the window, had a peek,

and in a thick salty accent asked, "What the #*/@ are you selling in' here?"

One of the Marines replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes"

Without skipping a beat, the Old Chief said, "You're doin' well then... only two left!"

Marines, God bless them, but they should not mess with Navy Chiefs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. :mog:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The best medal is a live man's smile"

Unofficial Creed of many Combat Medics

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

“If a man hasn't discovered something that he would die for, he isn't fit to live.” Martin Luther King Jr.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure. :winking0023:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake. :tisc-tisc:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment :banged:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×